The first frost is on the ground. The early rays of sunrise catch it against the cars, a pink glitter here, a gold flash there. It is beautiful. I very much miss Arizona sunrises and sunsets. Something about the desert atmosphere turns the sky into brilliant ribbons of deep purple, neon pink, and an orange that seems to stretch over the horizon forever. Still, Kansas sunrises are noteworthy. At least when I'm up early enough to notice them. With winter fast approaching and the sun rising later and later, I'm awake to notice more sunrises. This is not a bad thing.
I have been mulling over your comments about kids and filters - and I think you guys are right on target. That entry will have to come later, though, as Jesse's son is next to me and I don't want to type it all out where he can see it.
That's not exactly a kid conversation and while I think you guys are right in that there's no need to wrap him up in cotton about it, I also think you guys are right in that there are appropriate times and places FOR those "not-kid" conversations with kids.
And ahahaha! Bart, that is AWESOME about your funeral plans. I should think of something like that. As it stands, I've told my loved ones to donate my body to science. We've a couple of really good medical universities around here and they are always in need of fresh corpses to carve up. None of my organs are in good enough condition to donate. At least this way I get to be useful.
Plus, I think it's free. No need for an expensive funeral, coffin, or even cremation. I've cost more than enough people more than enough money in my life. I'd hate to have to make that expense extend after death.
I have, however, impressed very strongly onto my loved ones certain things they must say at my funeral. A few Babylon 5 quotes, maybe reading aloud a journal entry or two. And I've instructed Pat to set up a squirrel feeder in my honor, wherever and whenever he can do so. I love squirrels.
And there is a local cat shelter that I've requested donations go to in lieu of flowers. "Animals In Need Thrift Store". They are funded mostly by donation and partially by the thrift store they also run. The man who founded the place is a true, true animal lover with an amazing passion for cats. That deserves to be rewarded, even in death. Maybe especially
The question of what to do with my things is still a bit in the air. I know that any money I've left goes to the kids, be it directly or in an account set up for them to access when they turn 18. I want my journals to go to Cassie, even if she decides to burn them. Patrick is, of course, tasked with caring for my cats. The rest? I don't know. Sell it off if they can, keep sentimental items as they choose.
I need to draw all of this up officially, as well as make a living will. I'm not sure how long I want to be plugged in before I consider it reasonable enough to UNplug me, should I fall into a comatose state. My father sent me paperwork for these things a few years ago. I should fill that all out.
I have given Patrick my LJ/DW password with strict instructions to post on my behalf should I die or else become completely incapacitated. Some years ago, I realized that one reason some of my friends here MAY have stopped posting because they are dead.
It's been 11 years on here, so that's not so far out of the scope of possibilities.
I don't want anyone to wonder if that's why I stopped posting. Patrick, Jesse, Pat's mom - all of them know how important you guys are to me. I wonder if I should set up a backup person for posting in my name, in case it turns out that Pat and I die together in some horrible car crash or anything. I am going to email Pat's mom and ask if she'd be comfortable being the backup person.
I do feel somewhat guilty that I have not yet considered giving Jesse the password. But time takes time and I'll need more than a year of knowing him before I give him my password, should it come to that. I do not think it would offend him.
As always, of course, this most recent conversation about death came up at bedtime. It always comes up at bedtime for me. I find talking about death right before I go to sleep comforting.
I've yet to meet anyone else who feels the same. I get why it creeps people out to talk about death before they go to sleep. Dreams and fears about The Big Sleep right before The Regular Sleep is scary....for everyone but me, apparently.
It has disturbed every lover of mine. It disturbs Jesse, though out of all my relationships, he is the most willing to indulge in my exhausted meanderings about it. He left a note for me to read the next morning, calling me his "his lovely creepy morbid.
" It was meant as a compliment and I took it as so. He later said that while he does not like to talk about death, the way **I** talk about it is beautiful.
It is nice to hear that. David used to say I was obsessed with Death. Patrick would not say I was obsessed, but he agrees in that I have a strange and possibly unhealthy interest in it.
But life is life and my life has been filled with lots of death. It makes sense to me that it would be such a large thing in my thoughts.
There was this entry
, written a year ago, when Cassie's life came crashing down again, in what now, a year later, seems to be a final plunge. This entry, where I didn't know that in just a few hours, I'd be spending the next 24 hours in the ER with a battered, belligerent, strung-out sister. This entry, in which I wrote -"These sorts of times, this sort of exhaustion - and there's been a lot of it in my life - but this is what makes oblivion as an afterlife sound nice.
Where you just stop. You don't have fight. You don't have to work. You don't have to care. It's just over.
Maybe that says more about my life than what I really think about death.
Maybe it does. And maybe, just maybe, that's okay.