quirkytizzy: (Default)
Tis morning. Morning of a busy day. I go home today, which will require a total of 5 or 6 hours of driving, three hours of flight, and likely a couple of hours waiting in airports. I got about 3 hours of sleep.

Maybe I'll nap on the plane. It's unlikely - airplanes seemed designed to repel sleep, but I can try.

I'll be happy to be around my kitties and in familiar surroundings, but I will miss this. Arizona - and being around Josh - suits me greatly. Also, the humidity is 73% in Kansas City today, with the temperature in the mid 80's.

Give me 106 degrees with ZERO percent humidity anyday. Like, srsly. Outside of remembering to drink enough water (which I would eventually do as habit), the desert agrees with me.

I've cleared my entire weekend of obligations, since I'm pretty sure I'm just going to want to sleep.

I'm really glad I didn't have to go down to SV, what with the aggravating bullshit with Cassie. That would have hung over the visit like a black, thundering rain cloud. And maybe...maybe I don't HAVE to go back to put the past to rest.

Maybe that's an inside job. I kinda get the feeling it is.

I still have to get the packages delivered to Cassie. I'm planning to do so after school on Monday, when I won't have time to hang. And after that?

Let it go. Just let it all go. It won't be radio silence because that implies there are radios to communicate with.

And I'm done communicating with her.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
It is one of those rare Arizona summer mornings that dawns cool enough to leave the door propped open. 80 degrees - closer to 75 in the shade. Inside two hours, I'll have to lock everything up and shutter it as airtight as I can, but for now, it's lovely.

You guys were right - we managed to MacGyver a small swamp cooler using a fan, a styrofoam chest, a piece of dryer piping, and a bag of ice. I also bought Josh one of those industrial sized fans, just in case. Sleep was very comfortable and it should be again today.

The soda vending machine downstairs has been tagged. Some scrawl about the "Defulla Crew". I laughed - it's like "Oooooh, tagging vending machines. My, how Pepsi must be shaking in their multi-billion dollar boots." I understand it's annoying for those who have to clean up graffiti, but tagging a vending machine is the LEAST tough thing I can think of.

I was thinking about Cassie earlier, about how my life is so quiet and filled with good people. People who care, people who don't hurt me. People who recognize when I'm in pain and who trust me to do the work to get better.

On this side of all the therapy and the years of infuriating concentration to keep watch of the dysfunctional behaviors that people with traumatic histories have - it doesn't seem like it was SO much work.

But on this side of it all, the only reason it doesn't seem like so much work is because I realize just how much MORE work hating yourself and creating the life that perpetuates that self-hatred is.

It isn't easy work. It's work I'll be doing for the rest of my life.

But it is a hell of a lot easier than living the rest of my life the way she is.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
I am in the land of the desert, where: I thought it would be hotter, I am amazed at how spread out desert cities are (as opposed to other cities, which build UP), and due to the time difference, my usual wakeup time of 6 AM has been moved to 4 AM. And this vacation will also equal staying UP later.

The sleep issue I'll have to keep an eye out for. Lack of proper sleep can equal hypomania. But I was able to travel with my medication, no problem, and I've googled some local mental health centers, just in case.

Just to let you guys know, though, ya'll are on Crazy Alert. You see it - you tell me. Rayhawk put it together last time by noticing how prolific my usage of exclamation points had gotten. That sort of thing.

Though I'll be spending my days alternately furiously napping and then going out. Here's hoping I can keep up on it.

It's funny - in the plane, as we were beginning to pass into the Southwestern part of the United States, the ground below us shifted to a brown and deep clay red - the colors of the earth here. I saw this and began to giggle and then outright laugh.

I remembered. I remembered the dry, powerful heat, the veined bedrock, the dust swept, blindingly bright sunshine of the desert. I remembered - and it felt beautiful.

There are a lot of people who don't like the desert. I can understand why. The landscapes are brown, the vegetation is brown, and the heat can be oppressive. Inescapable. Things get washed out and bleached out by the sun, which never seems to set and is rarely hidden by clouds. Sometimes the sunlight and heat can seem almost defiant, a separate, living creature that howls in its power to press down.

But that's why I like it. That's why I LOVE it. Growing up here, there is a beauty in the bare-bones life that manages to grow here.

I've missed that.

The difficult part of the trip will come either Sunday or Wednesday, the days when Josh will be available to take me down to Sierra Vista. But I'll manage that, too.

After all - I've got you guys. And I have Josh. I will be okay.

So LJing will happen in spurts this week. Let's see if I can be separated from this place without having anxiety attacks.

I love you guys so much!


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