Jul. 15th, 2017

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I think I've figured out a way to help combat both boredom and dramatic, self-destructive actions. It works for 2 year olds and it seems to work for this 36 year old, too. PLAY DRESS UP! So now the idea is to learn all kinds of neat vanity tricks and show the world. I got it down for my nails. Now let's try other things.

And Girlyswirl, I can definitely get some kind of playlist, though a lot of can hit melancholy spots. Or it's whimsical about the Crazy. Is that okay? It is so good to have another soldier standing with me on these front lines. Thank you for being here.

So, to get through a really strange place in my head this morning, despite my actual hair ALREADY being purple, I played a bit of dress up.

Remember last year how I lost over half my hair and I was sure I'd be bald by September? That thankfully didn't happen, but I was prepared and bought a few wigs. WARNING: TOTAL NEWB AT THIS. Going to be watching tons of Youtube videos on how to make it all look more naturally placed. Anyone have any tips or videos to share on how to make wig placement look more natural?

(Oh, and product placement: WET N WILD'S glitter makeup IS ACTUALLY GLITTERY AND STAYS ON. It's not just a top coat of glitter in the case, but glitter the whole way through. MUCH LOVE, WET'N'WILD)

Fun with wigs! )
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I've taken my meds and should be asleep. But for the reasons they do, the words have grabbed me by the hair and drug my ass to computer to write. I'm not quite sure what they need me to say. All I've got is three words.

Reclaim. Your. Power. Incorporate what you've been through in the last year into your power, because you didn't lose it, you just gained it through a particularly painful way.

Every entry where I screamed, every entry where I poured out the fear and the babble, that's power. It's not easy to show the entire world just how messy you are. Every time I cut myself, that's power. It's a hell of a thing to be determined to knife yourself repeatedly, a thing that most people couldn't dream of doing for the sheer pain they'd feel. Every time I tried to kill myself, that's power, because it takes immense force of will to barrel over the human need for self-preservation.

Every time I admitted every psychiatric ward stay, that's power. That's accountability for something that shame would bury. Every hospital stay that I allowed endless needles to be shoved into me, every time I made the right decision about food despite kicking and screaming about it, every time I made the wrong move about what medications to stay on, that's power.

That's acting like a human being with a vicious sense of self-will, run-riot or else wrestled down issues that John Cena couldn't suplex. That's power.

And it's not the only power I've gained over my life. It's not as if this is the first time Life curbstombed me. This is not my first rodeo. I was powerful before, survived, reached out and got help for it every damn time, and came to discover a me that I knew and loved.

That's fucking power. I've gained power through every slash of the skin since the first transgression against me as a child and more power through every wound that healed to scar like glue.

I haven't lost myself. I just lost some of the things I can do. That's not the same as losing who I am. And all of it - the Crazy, the pretty writing, the Lupus, the love from my support circle - it's been loud and it's been powerful.

"Oh no, no, am I getting too loud?
Am I getting too loud? Am I getting too loud?!"


This last year has been LOUD. Sheer volume doesn't always make for graceful pile-driving down your issues. But it sure as hell makes it more powerful - and for the first time in over a year, I see the power. I see MY power.

"You can't ignore the truth inside you!!"

The truth inside of me is that I have power. Have had it, have it, and trial by fire, gaining more of it.

I know I'm not the only one whose had a year that's blasted out their eardrums. Let's take the volume and feel it hit our pulses. Let's take that loudness and rip our damn well earned power from it.

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