Jul. 9th, 2017

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Thank you, Beth, for the birthday present! We've been subsisting on salad leaves and bread for a few days now, so that can go to some real food. That always makes me happy! Thank you!

My head's been in a strange place the last day or so.

Clarity, you said, Ben. That's what struck me, because I feel I am still wandering aimlessly in the dust and haze of wrecked buildings that have fallen all around me. What's clear seems only in the basic sense: I want to live. I want to find a way around my dramatic ability to make pretty with red, because while it's pretty to me, it's disturbing to others.

And while it's not my job to make sense or palatable beauty to the world, it is my job to do so for my loved ones.

Clarity is a long haul. But it's a word for me to get a deathgrip on, (no horrible past-action pun intended), because I guess the best thing that anyone gets out of lives like ours IS clarity.

I'm finding the answer to a question I had in my 20's. I didn't understand how people who lived normal lives - good childhoods, good jobs, good marriages, good financial situations - could find themselves frantically pulling through the Self-Help section at Borders, looking for books about how to find meaning to their lives. They already have everything. That's their meaning!, I thought.

I still don't understand why they fail to see how full their lives are. But it does resonate it in that I, at roughly the same age, am doing the same thing - just about different issues.

Maybe it's not about WHY people search for meaning, only that we all are. The human condition is inescapable, no matter how much money you make or how well your relationship is going.

THAT makes sense to me.

I'm slowly slipping on my goal of "Have 30 minutes of meaningful interaction with a human being every other day". I like to live inside of myself, especially these days. Going outside is fraught with chances of risk, boredom and not being understood among them, even if it's with loved ones.

But this is a goal and goals take effort. So after this shortly, Jesse and I are going to play some Rayman on his computer. It's been ages since I've played a video game, and it's with someone I love, and it's definitely interactive (which is what I've termed the meaning of "meaningful interaction" as).

Even though today I'd be perfectly happy to just float inside of myself, getting out is part of the recovery process.

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