May. 10th, 2017

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I picked the wrong day to do laundry. *sigh* At least the wrong laundry machine, which kept filling after the load had "finished" and wound up flooding the entire downstairs laundry room. And left me to haul 40 pounds of soaking wet clothes up two flights of stairs to rewash AGAIN.

Also washed the wrong towel with those clothes, so those clothes are now covered in white fuzz and will require ample coverage with a lint-roller. Even after the second washing. Oi. This effectively cancels out the idea of washing to have clean, non-fuzz covered clothes to begin with.

Somedays I have to wonder what the point of adult living (which includes having clean clothes) is.

As I have recently begun wondering the same about vanity. The damage to my body through this disease is actually quite visible to the naked eye if I strip down. It's starting to affect my self-image.

This is the result of gaining and losing over 200 pounds in 8 months.

Not my picture personally, but this is EXACTLY what I look like )

That is what I look like, exactly, from the bottom of my ribcage down to the tops of my thighs, as well as my boobs themselves. Never had a baby, never managed to gain that much weight on my own to get this wrinkled, pitted mess of skin, and yet...there it is.

That's lupus, 10 extended hospital stays, endless numbers of infiltrated veins, IV's, and the fact that my kidneys cork themselves so tight that the kickback results in being a real-life balloon.

It can be discouraging sometimes. Easily enough covered with clothes, and Jesse is amazing at reminding me that he still finds me beautiful, but there are some moments I stand looking in the mirror and think to myself I look like a freak.

Still, looks aren't everything. Or so I keep telling myself.

Cemetery and Cmcmk, those pictures were BEAUTIFUL! That costume was amazing, I could see that being displayed as a muesuem piece. An indulgent wash of shiny, brilliant colors. Makes me wish I could get away with something like that everyday! I'm googling more of those kinds of costumes right now. Flashy and epic.

And Cmcmk, I really loved the croquet picture. It's the HUGE dominoes! Where is that picture taken? And where do I get a set of dominoes like that? Someday I will have to have a carpenter make me some just like that. Scatter them about like I've a Forest Giant for a friend that stopped by for tea and a quick game.

It is those things I need to seek out more often, if nothing else than to remind me there is a world much, much bigger than me and my dismayed reflection in the bathroom. Thank you so much for sharing those.

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