Apr. 25th, 2017

quirkytizzy: (Default)
I keep waiting for the sun to come out. The sunlight in me to come out. Recovering from the abuse of my childhood came with clearly defined markers, year by year. Month by month, even. I could feel hope about this as I clearly was making progress. This?

Will this be like recovery from my drugs? Where it takes years of frantic obsession, checking and rechecking, white-knuckling, experiencing only brief moments of serenity, to finally get better?

Because I remember it was like that. It took two years before the terror and agonizingly long work finally paid off. Two years. It felt endless. And in the end, it was like I just woke up one day and it was gone. The obsession to use, the need to apply ungodly amounts of platitudes just to get through the day, the hopelessness, it had just...out of nowhere, it just lifted.

One day I woke up and was free from the needle and free to my live my life. Simple as that.

Since this does not seem to be like the first, I can only assume it's going to be like the second. Where one day, I'll just wake up and be...happy with being me.

And if I'm honest, getting to that day just seems like it's getting harder and harder somedays. I'll make it. There's nothing else to do BUT make it.

But if this is a needle, goddamn, it's going to be another long, long year to get there.

Awww shit

Apr. 25th, 2017 08:44 am
quirkytizzy: (Default)
It's gonna be one of those down and downer days. The kind where my only hope of survival is to wrap myself under five blankets, shut my eyes really tight, and try not to make any sudden movements.

How do I know? By themselves, Melanie Martinez or Icon For Hire aren't necessarily indicative of grand emotional upheaval. Mix the two? Maybe add in some specifically about the crazy?

I keep crying, hoping to empty it all out. Clear my soul like a tsunami washing out the overpopulated cities and overworking nuclear reactors. There's never enough energy to cry it all out, though, and so it only comes out in the mornings, alone and afraid.

And it's never enough.

I'll rest today. Drink more water. Part of the dehydration is that I keep misjudging the content capacities of the glasses I drink water out of and part of it is that different meds (changed out twice a month, it seems) require different amounts of water. It's like trying to balance on a unicycle with one broken leg and a goddamn anvil tied to the other leg.

So fine. Like Melanie says, let's spill it all out. I don't give a fuck anymore if anyone calls me a crybaby.

Icon For Hire:

"Recovery time, a condition like mine,
What are we talking here?
Make me better!!
Tell me who I’m supposed to be
Tell me who I’m supposed to...
"

Melanie:

"Maybe it's a cruel joke on me
Whatever, whatever.
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to,
Cry if I want to!
I'll cry until the candles burn down this place.
I'll cry until my pity party's in flames!
"

quirkytizzy: (Default)
There is sleep and there is peace. The two do not always coincide. I have slept today. I have kept the darkness at bay. The worst of the thoughts only went as far as "I don't want what I used to have. I just want to kill the pain."

As far as the darkest of my thoughts go, it is not enough to send me into a suicidal spiral.

I watch Jessica Jones again. I do not know what I am looking for in it, only that I am searching. I am always searching lately. The questions overshadow all of the answers and the answers always waver. But the search continues. Perhaps there is peace to be had in that, though it's not something I can easily convince myself of.

I will not sleep well tonight. I never sleep well. But maybe there will be peace in what sleep I do get. Sometimes, just sometimes, in the moments before sleep overtakes me, I find myself unaware of what hurts, what I fear, and what the next day will bring.

If that is peace, even if it is not sleep, then that is what I will take. I will never be a peaceful person. It is not in my nature, nor is it in written in my code. There has rarely been peace in my life before and it will never be a continued state of my life in the future. But maybe, just maybe, I can experience a few moments of it.

As always, if that is what I have, then it has to be enough.

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