Apr. 15th, 2017

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I am shocked to find that the potassium blocker prescribed does, actually, help keep my blood pressure even. It's a POTASSIUM blocker. Like milk and dairy shit. No idea it could help your heart work better. So go the mysteries of science.

Jesse and I had an illuminating conversation on recovery from chronic illnesses. He asked how far I could go on the treadmill when I first started exercising. "Uhhh, about a quarter mile," I said. "And even that wiped me out." He then asked how far I was going right before lupus jumped up and went Hey, Lupus! "Two and a half miles, five days a week."

Then he asked me how long it took to get there. I remember it taking almost a month. Then, as a final question, he asked if there were any times that I was too sore, too tired, or too ill to work out.

"Plenty of times. It always set back my endurance, too. But I also always managed to work back up to those two and a half miles", I said, beginning to understand the connection. While this is a hell of a lot more severe than the ability to climb on a treadmill, it helped me realize that (1) it's okay to have setbacks that actually set you back and (2) that I can work back up after that.

Not that I'll ever likely be able to run another two and a half miles, five days a week (metaphorically, at least), but it was a good analogy to ease some of the rage I have about this whole thing.

I like metaphors and analogies.

A new resentment that I am only now beginning to recognize: The insistence that sick people focus on "the small joys of life." I've never had a problem finding or treasuring those moments before. My journals over the last 20 years are littered with records of small moments of delight. The relaxation of a cup of coffee and a good friend. An astounding sunrise. Watching a squirrel dash about on an emerald green lawn.

It's just that before I used to also have BIG moments. A full life, an active life. I do not consider what I have at this time much of a life at all. To be told that I now have to focus on "the small things" feels like I'm being told, yet AGAIN, "to make do with less."

I don't want less. Hell, I don't even want MORE. I just want what I used to have.

It makes me wonder if constantly touting the small moments is simply something that sick people say to make themselves feel better. As if being ill gives us some kind of superpower to enjoy life on kibble instead of the full meals that normal people eat. As if our illness gives us a special sense of inspiration and focus that normal people don't have.

And that, my friends, is just total fucking bullshit.

Idk. Maybe there's merit to the idea. On my good days, I DO notice the sunrise. I DO see the squirrels. I DO have coffee with friends. It's just with so many bad days that stretch into weeks, it gets hard to remember them.

But maybe today is the day Jesse and I can go to the park and just sit on a bench for half an hour. Granted, I'll have to put on, like, a MILLION coats of sunscreen to avoid a flare, but just maybe.

That's where it feels like my life is right now. "Just maybe."

Well, wearisome as it might be, here's to "just maybe."
quirkytizzy: (Default)
* DON'T LIKE: That a wasp flying particularly close to me turns me into the sassy black woman stereotype.

* DO LIKE: The new ambient sound that Jesse found for us to sleep to instead of the rain sound we'd previously been using. It's simply a single tone, a low rumbling. It's meant to mimic the sound of a spaceship engine. I fall asleep imagining myself in the crew quarters of The Normandy.

* NOT SURE IF I WILL LIKE: Having to fall in love with a ton of new people, new ships, and new races on Mass Effect 4: Andromeda. It's a lot of work. But silly and dangerous as it may be, I TRUST Bioware. I hope I find myself as emotionally invested in the new game as I did in my previous, beloved Mass Effect games.

* DO LIKE: How excited I am to watch Jesse finish playing the video game "Nier" (NO SPOILERS! Jesse reads comments sometimes and I don't want him to have it ruined.) I've wiki'd a few side quests for him and have come upon the main plot line, which looks FUCKING AWESOME. I've left a few threads untouched (like, seriously, what is the Shadowlord?), but overall, I'm very excited to see how the game presents the ending information.

* DON'T LIKE: People who refuse to play newer video games due to reasons such as "the newer games are too easy" or "they're too flashy". Puh-lease. Ever play "Dark Souls"? That game WANTS you to die. Relentlessly. No easy about it. And flashy? Ooooh noooez! People are embracing the power of new technology to create brighter, more complex and realistic (or unrealistic) worlds! WE SHALL HAVE NONE OF THIS WITCHERY, THOU OF THE PURE NINTENDO THUMB!

I'm not going to be that asshole who plays Final Fantasy VII 27 times and claims that nothing will ever beat Aerith dying. Even Tomb Raider these days has some seriously sob-worthy moments.

And non-hexagonal boobs. How in the world could you be against THAT?

* DO LIKE: My return, shaky as it is, to doing my nails. And a willingness to try out spring colors instead of just darker colors.

* DO LIKE: That I was able to have four, FOUR! jumbo sized, fried shrimp (all in the same meal!) and not have my stomach melt down from it.

* DO LIKE: Post whoring. Most days, at least.


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