Feb. 14th, 2017

quirkytizzy: (Default)
I wake up with just a touch of depression. I've also a headache, so that might be part of it. My dreams have been thematic lately. It gets to where symbolism is an empty gesture at this point. Either I'm (A) stuck somewhere unpleasant/dangerous and can't find my car to get away to safety or (B) trapped in or near falling buildings.

As far as anxiety dreams go, it doesn't get much more straightforward than that.

Jesse came upon a brilliant way of wording something, something that has been drawing both my ire and despair for months now. I don't know if it's a writer thing or else a human thing, but for me to "get" something, it has to be worded perfectly. The words themselves make the difference, not necessarily the intent behind them.

I was on a tear about the phrase "a new normal". I HATE that phrase. My life, while never quite normal before, will now never be anywhere near "normal". It just felt like code for "making do with less", which filled me with so much resentment that I could spit nails. I've done plenty in my life with less and am sick and tired of having even MORE removed. That's not normal, even if it is new.

So Jesse suggested I think about it in terms of "new boundaries". And all of a sudden, I GOT IT. All of a sudden, the frustration of trying to label myself as normal, in any way, fell over with a thud. Boundaries is a word I know. Boundary setting has been one of those life-long lessons for me, so it's a word, a concept that I have practice in. All of a sudden, I wasn't flailing about with new words that meant nothing to me.

Now I'm dealing with words that I've been dealing with my whole life. Familiar. Understood. Practical, useful, something tangible.

I and my life are not normal. From here on out, it never will be. I do grieve for that - greatly some days. But if I set up boundaries concerning things like the fatigue (i.e - give myself permission to rest and nap when needed), then it doesn't NEED to be normal.

It just means I've got some new boundaries, some new rules to apply to my life. THAT I can do.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
Okay, so that "touch" of depression this morning is turning into a black hole, complete with a star-destroying gravity well. I'm firing on all thrusters trying to stay out of it. Facebook. Funny youtube videos. Painting my nails.

It's just not working today. There's no rhyme or reason to it today. Physically, I feel good. Great, even. Mentally and emotionally?

It's like that episode where Sheridan takes the Whitestar into Jupiter's atmosphere to trap the Shadow ship, except I feel more like the Shadow ship than the Whitestar.

SHERIDAN: Alright Lennier, give me everything you got!

LENNIER: If I were holding anything back, I'd let you know.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
(Attempting to distract myself, Jesse and I play Rayman Legends, a two player video game. The game allows you to revive a dead player by catching up to the other character.)

JESSE: Crap, I'm dead!

ME: It's okay, I'll wait and get you back in the game!

JESSE: No! Just keep going! Just finish the level!

ME: This ain't no Saving Private Ryan, huh?


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