Feb. 13th, 2017

quirkytizzy: (Default)
Jesse struck upon a marvelous idea. I have a whiteboard that I now write my appointments on. He suggested that I take note of and mark everyday that I am out of the hospital.

We are currently 22 days and counting from the last hospital release. This is the longest I've stayed out of the hospital in 6 months. It's helpful and a little uplifting to see that number go up.

Which is good, as Jesse has lately been plagued with panic attacks, in part due to me nearly dying. Even I seem to be having some kind of delayed reaction, in that when I lay down over the last week, I have to deliberately wrest my thoughts away from "Omg, I almost died. Like DEATH DEAD. Omg. Omg. Omg."

It makes sense. I'm familiar with the whole "delayed reaction" deal. Hell, it seems to be roughly how I've lived and processed my entire life. It's still hard to work through, to quiet, to smooth over.

Bart, sorry I didn't respond on FB. I can take FB, but only in tiny amounts lately. So by the time I get the notification of the message, I'm already off the site. But yes, overall, feeling better.

I mean, holy shit, I slept in till SIX AM. That's a goddamn near miracle at this point.

Jesse says he wants to move the bed. Rearrange the apartment, because when he looks at the bed, he still sees me, ashen, unresponsive, being huddled over by five EMT's.

That makes sense to me. I sometimes curl up to sleep and think much the same thing, just on the other side. The whole "I almost died in this bed in this position. Is it REALLY safe to fall asleep?" Maybe that anxiety has been contributing to my sleep troubles lately.

Kinda hard to fall asleep when you remember that sleep almost killed you.

So we're going to move the bed at some point. I think that would help. I think it would help A LOT.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
There is a musician that lives near my apartment, probably only a few doors down. If I'm lucky, some mornings I step outside to smoke and can hear them puzzling out a melody on their keyboard. The sound of it, the tunes they come up with, are always clear and somewhat haunting.

I don't know which neighbor it is, but I'm glad they live here and glad they practice with their window open. It is beautiful.


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