Feb. 11th, 2017

quirkytizzy: (Default)
It's sad when you consider watching tv to be a productive use of your time.

And yet, for me, it actually is. It's rare that I have the ability to focus on, comprehend, and continue a story line, even if it's a 30 minute show. I can sometimes put on old shows, but new shows? It's like trying to pull teeth to get me to watch something new, mostly because sitting there trying to puzzle out an episode story arc drains me.

Watching tv drains me. How pathetic is that? Yeesh.

I slept nearly 12 hours yesterday. While I'm awake and coherent at 3 AM, I know soon all I will want to do is sleep. Sleep all day. Sleep all night. Previous to those 12 hours, though, I'd been trying to go back to sleep all day. My body, while exhausted, was having none of this "sleep" bullshit.

My bet is that I'm experiencing depression instead of any actual bodily distress. I get the prerequisite number of hours of sleep - it just all comes in at strange hours. And I KNOW that the want to sleep is at least in part caused by the fact that outside of writing, cleaning, and talking to people (which I don't do much of anyways), my days are all the same. It gets boring and wearisome. The only changes to this is when I go to the hospital - and even THEN, it's become such a regular thing where I get bored and weary from THAT as well.

That sounds like textbook depression to me. Well, depression AND lupus. I can't really control either of those, but that's what it FEELS like it is.

But I've been wrong before about why my body is doing what it does. Fatally wrong, no less. So as my Medicaid has FINALLY kicked in (ABOUT FUCKING TIME), I will bring it up with my new doctor. We'll run the labwork and see if anything is terribly off. If it ain't physical, then I have a better idea of where to go to treat this.

I've been hung up on the word "incurable" as of late. Lupus is incurable, which means I'll be at its mercy for my whole life and there's not jack shit I can do about it. I can treat symptoms, manage my lifestyle, but there will never be a day where I can say I beat it. No amount of fighting - no amount of strength, hope, or journal writing will ever make it become a thing of the past.

It seems like it should be easy enough to accept "incurable." After all, my bi-polar is also incurable and I've gotten along fine with it for years now. But the bi-polar won't KILL me. Lupus CAN. My bipolar also doesn't do things like make me physically hurt or spend days heaving over the toilet. So this is a little (or a lot?) different.

Selfishly, stupidly, it makes me almost envious of cancer patients, whose diseases are far more understood and medically researched than mine. But theirs is also a much more brutal ride than mine, with a clock that ticks much faster than lupus. Slow and steady seems to be the Lupus Anthem. Cancer patients do not have that luxury.

Also, there's no saying **I** won't get cancer, either. Lupus makes one more susceptible to cancer. There's nothing there to truly be jealous of, outside of saying things like "I beat lupus".

Still, I really, really wish I could say "I beat lupus!"

Good god, anyone who is still reading - hats off to you. Even I'm getting sick of reading of what I'm writing.


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