Feb. 3rd, 2017

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Soooooo eating the salad that was a month past expiration might not have been a good idea. It looked and smelled fine, but my stomach disagrees. We're running low on food. This is where I'm willing to take chances like this. Silly Teressa.

There's been no vomiting as of yet, but at least if I do throw up, it'll be because of the food and not something medical. That's more a comfort than it should be, but after the last six months, I'll take it.

I slept nearly 24 hours yesterday. There was a combined total of about 30 minutes I was awake, just to eat and smoke. Why did I sleep all day? No real reason outside of being incongruously exhausted. More Hey, Lupus! Aren't bodies fun?

Pat says that aspect of the disease explained so much of my behavior over the years. It would drive him insane - the long naps, the erratic energy levels, the need to rest so often. Now, he says, it makes sense. So while the very first sign of this disease didn't come until 2012 with the lupus rash, I HAVE been dealing with at least a couple of symptoms for many years now.

As the disease progressed and my kidneys decided to jump off the San Francisco Bridge (did you know people will travel there to kill themselves? How strange.), those symptoms intensified. Now the struggle is to save my kidneys, along with my sanity.

I cannot be saved from lupus, no more than I could be saved from my bi-polar or abused childhood. I guess that's why they call it "chronic" illnesses. There is no cure, no chance to roll a D20 for a critical hit. There's no savior to praise alms to make it all go away. It's not even a matter of me saving myself.

But I have not yet destroyed my kidneys, which CAN heal, which CAN be saved. The sanity follows the same trajectory as my illness does. With enough time, proper care, both will rise to an average baseline. Or at least, as average one can be in my situation. Still, it gives me hope. I have not lost everything. I know this because there IS something there to save.

Something concrete, something that can be measured, something that can be monitored by numbers instead of wild guesses inside a manic mind. That kind of practicality is invaluable right now.


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