Jan. 20th, 2017

quirkytizzy: (Default)
I don't believe in private hells. So here's the public hell:

* They put me back on steroids. Day 3, I feel it. I'm pacing. I'm crying. I'm elated and I'm plunging. I can't get things to be quiet. The Dr reassures me the prescription I'll be sent home with will be a taper dosage.

* I'm fucking terrified of this.

* I had, like, this plan. Thirty-four years of scraping and screaming and bleeding just to get a jump on things that Normal People have, like good jobs, a regular schedule, a mental state that doesn't torture them.

* And then it was GONE. It was taken away from me in a single night, just as I was finally getting my hands around it. What the hell am I supposed to want NOW?!

* Why the fuck can't I just see this for what it is - another thing I'm going through? Why does it have to change everything?

* There's just not enough of me to hold all of the anger and grief and fear that's going on with all of this. I'm just not big enough for it all.

* I thought I was ready for this. I'm not.

* There's such a chance here, such a rare fucking chance for me to retake everything in my life and turn it into something brilliant and shiny and new.

* And I'm petrified that all of these feelings of pain is going to take that chance away, too. Like, I'll never be able to come through this a changed woman if I keep feeling so goddamn insane.

* I don't want to keep losing chances. And now I'm wise to the fact that I'm not always the one in control of what chances I DO lose. This is supposed to be liberating. It fucking scares and enrages me.

* I feel so fucking impotent in my own life, even though right now is the time I could do the most change ever.

"TELL ME WHO I'M SUPPOSED TO BE NOW?
MAKE ME BETTER!
I CAN'T STAY HALFWAY DEAD FOREVER!
I FEAR NOW -
WHEN YOU TAKE THE SICK AWAY
WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO BE?!!!

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