Jan. 13th, 2017

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Pat said something profound yesterday, something that helps explain the hopelessness and frustration I've been living daily under.

"In the last six months, you've lost your health, your job, your income, and the identity you were beginning to build with that. You've also lost your insurance, Disability is going to take another few months, and you are in complete limbo with your Medicare. You've physically lost the ability to do many of the things you used to enjoy. Teressa, you've been through a lot of loss lately, and all without a significant improvement in any of those areas."

I thought about that for a minute. And I replied - "Y'know, I hadn't thought of it like that. I mean, as a total picture of what I no longer have". It's fine and dandy to be grateful for what you do have - and few hold onto that motto as much as the poor do - but what I've lost is a landslide, a huge portion of my life - both future and present.

I said - "I need a win, Patrick. Just one thing that goes right - and I mean REALLY right." I need a day where I don't measure "good" by "how many times I throw up." I need a day where I get an answer of YES somewhere. I need something to go my way.

I need a win. I need some kind of victory that I don't have to fight tooth and nail for.

It's amazing what others can see that we can't - and the seemingly exponential avalanche is something I hadn't quite processed yet. Not in full. It makes all of this make just a little more sense.

I'm not only angry and resentful about all this, but grieving as well. That's not a word I'd put to this before. Even just the word "grieving" gives me a little more compassion towards myself. You don't beat up a person for grieving, you don't morally judge someone for grieving, and you definitely don't tell a person who is grieving that life will never get better.

I'm grieving, so I should try my best to follow those rules myself.

I'd also told Pat that I've given up on the whole God thing. I looked and felt and thought and couldn't find anything that felt like home or that felt comforting. I was worried that made me horribly cynical. Pat said it is okay if I don't find what I'm looking for in spirituality. Lots of people don't, he said, and they get along just fine.

The closest to what I've decided on this is to reclassify myself as agnostic rather than atheist. I still don't believe in anything Divine or spiritually connective, but hey, I could be wrong. I'm wrong all the time. May as well give myself some wiggle room on this, too.

Oi. I already threw up once this morning. It ended with dry heaving and stomach bile, which means I've got to get both more water and some food in me, if for no other reason than to have something TO throw up. (The relief is so much more when you're puking food instead of stomach bile.) But being nauseas, I don't WANT to eat anything.

Oh well. This is my life right now and somewhere, somehow, I've got accept it. Every symptom makes me furious and depressed and that eats up so much energy. Sometimes fighting means surrendering, though it seems unwise to surrender to the fact that I'm gonna puke, I'm gonna fall down, and I'm gonna be mostly incapacitated no matter what. But I'm getting really, really tired of fighting my body.

Maybe the rest is up to my mind. I don't know. My brain's been pretty shaky lately and doesn't feel like such a safe place to be in. But maybe that's where the real fighting comes in. Not fighting nausea or vertigo, but fighting the negative thoughts that come with it all.

I honestly don't know which is harder right now - what my body does to me or what my mind does to me. They're both fucked up something awful lately. But if there's one thing 20 years of therapy has taught me is that I can unlearn and relearn new ways of thinking.

I can't unlearn, undo, or re-think my body to prime health. But with enough practice, I can do so with my mind. I've done it before with a myriad of traumas and destructive behaviors. I can do it again. So that's where the battle is going to start taking place.

Maybe that's how I'll find my win.


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