Jan. 8th, 2017

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I wake up feeling groggy, as if my meds had not properly metabolized in the night. I got four hours of sleep initially and went back down later for another 3 hours. That does not seem to be enough today, so I will go back to sleep.

I always think "What a waste" to sleep all day, so many days. But it's Sunday, no calls or visits, the house is picked up, no need to leave the house. Hell, I even managed a load of laundry. (This is particularly heroic, as it involves taking the stairs three times, which is enough to make me feel like passing out some days.) Still, a good day to waste if there was one.

Lupus and I have been circling each other like a boxing match. Its gloves are heavier, lined with lead. Mine are just regular gloves and do no good. I don't want to fight it. Most times it's a matter of dodging the blows. We keep fine-tuning and fine-tuning my diet and the symptoms still remain large enough to fuck with my physical functions.

Part of this is that there are no perfect foods. Example: Watermelon, my favorite go-to, the one thing I will eat all the time, every time, and feel satisfied with. Well, it's low in phosphates but sky high in potassium. So that's out. Most meat is the same way, as are carbs, as are condiments. It drives Jesse insane.

I tell him that as there is no food outside of a few fruits and veggies, there will have to be some give and take. Sometimes we'll have to accept that some foods will have a trade off. More sodium, less phosphates with one food. More dairy but less sodium with another. It's damn near impossible to find a food that is dairy free, sodium free, phosphate free, un-enriched, low protein, and potassium free at all at once. Even the number of fruits and vegetables is severely restricted, and I will not live on green beans and grapes alone.

It's beyond maddening. Jesse suggests that I try to live off rice and the five or so fruits I can have forever, often right before he heats up a pizza. Or that I could live off skinned, baked chicken forever.

I roll my eyes, reiterate the ways that is actually terribly impractical, and he eats his delicious chili or pizza or tacos and I wander off, annoyed to no end.

On the other hand, mentally and emotionally, I feel alright. So far today,at least. That could change at a moment's notice. But for this moment, I'm okay inside. Not great but not horrible, either. I guess that's a good start.


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