Woof woof

Jun. 15th, 2014 08:43 am
quirkytizzy: (Default)
Thinking about David's comment yesterday, I am angry.

And depressed. So often that condescending nature was aimed AT ME. And I realized something about manipulative behavior, thanks to another bit in Why Did He Do That.

I've always considered "abuse" to be what happens at home. Or what happens when you are alone with that person (or persons.) But some parts of what David did - a lot of the condescending bits - those happened around other people. And online ALL THE TIME around other people.

So I kept thinking "Well, he's just showing off. He treats me better when it's just me."

Except...well, it's still bad behavior. And in some ways, worse because he was tearing me down publicly. Mocking me. Setting me up to not only feel stupid, but then have to defend myself because "It was only a joke" or "Well, you just have to use the right words when you are talking with people."

What am I, a dog that has to be trained before I'm allowed to go hang out with all the other dogs at the doggy park?

And I told him, so many times, about how that behavior made me feel. Did he ever stop? No.

Woof, woof. Sit. Roll over. Don't bark.

All these years of him not working, dropping out the school I PAID FOR HIM, lying about money...I never did that to him. I never tried to make him sound stupid. I constantly tried to praise him, to help build his self-esteem.

And he'd tell me that I was "really good at bullshitting" when I got good grades on essays at school. Or that my problem with math was that I wasn't "logical." Or that I just didn't have staying power for the semester I did drop out of school entirely.

The one where he wasn't working, had that deal with the Other Woman, was spending my money left and right, and oh yeah, had been dropping out school every semester for two years straight at that point.

....why did he do that?

Alright, I know why. Sick, unhealthy, I enabled, he's an asshole, whatever. I get that.

Stages of grief, right? Anger, depression? Will I cycle up through anger again? Will I just feel this depressed about it for a while and move on?

Guess I won't know till I get through it. What I'm feeling today, though, is.....why did he do that? Why did he do that when I loved him SO MUCH and tried SO HARD?

Rhetorical question is rhetorical. Still hurts, though.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
Why Did He Do That: P. 113

-------

" Consider the following call I received from Kelsea, the partner of a client:

-- Lance wanted me to go skiing with him, but I really didn't feel like it because I'd had an exhausting week and wanted to spend time with my friends. When I said 'no', he dove into criticizing me.

He said the reason why I've never become a good skier is because I won't stick with it, that I'm not willing to give things a chance, that I'm lazy and that's why I never get good at anything....

But maybe he's right. Maybe I should be more disciplined about skiing.--

Where was Lance's stream of putdowns coming from? Was he really concerned that Kelsea was letting herself down?

No. A man doesn't tear down his partner's self esteem out of a desire to help her. The real issue concerned what Lance wanted for himself: He wanted Kelsea to keep him company for the weekend."

---------

My notation: "This fits but I can't figure out how. It just FEELS right." I recognize the conversation, I recognize Kelsea's self doubt, and I sure as hell recognize the "maybe he's right" part.

But....through put-downs. Or when I was on Abilify and suffering terrible side effects and David would insist I go out, go out, go out, don't stop, don't sleep, don't relax, all because he said I was "isolating" and being "unhealthy."

No, fucker, I wasn't. I was working 60 hour weeks on top of sleeping 3 hours a night on a drug that made me shake so bad I sometimes couldn't literally feed myself while you -

you know what, I'm tired of that bullshit. Tired of the anger. At least tonight.

I just KNOW that the above excerpt from the book fits into the relationship somehow. I just don't know HOW yet. Examples, that sort of thing.

I mean, the whole book is a lot of me going OMFG THAT THING EXACTLY. So much that I don't even have much to add to most of the highlights I've made.

But that one...that I'm still figuring out. I just know it fits. I've done 20 years of therapy and one thing I know to trust is that "I don't know where this goes, but I KNOW IT BELONGS HERE" feeling.

What do you guys do with those sorts of feelings? How do you find out where it fits?

I keep looking at old LJ entries with him and I see things and I think "That is it - yes" and then my brain just slides right over it. Like it just doesn't want to hold onto it.

Which is okay. It's late, I'm tired, whatevs. But I had to make a note of it.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
This is a locked entry. I do not want THIS ENTRY slipping into replies or comments on other entries I may write about him.

SO DO NOT BRING THIS UP IN OTHER ENTRIES even if the topic is his manipulation of the same.

And I don't want to hear - "Why are you still talking to him even a little bit?" or "He's going to hurt you".

Because he's not. If he didn't THEN, he won't at this point. One thing I have never been afraid of while with David was my physical safety. Never.

I also don't want to hear shit that I already know about how I should have known and blah blah blah. Not that you guys are going to say that, because you're awesome. But still - I don't want a repeat of "Cut his ass off", because I'm already doing that. It's just taking time to completely do, 100%. You guys know I'm not going to just turn around and run back to him.

So please don't do that to me, guys. This is a really scary entry to write, because once I write this, it's going to look like he's an EVIL guy. Not bad, but EVIL. And I just can't wrap my brain around "evil" right now.

Bad. Unhealthy. Scary, maybe. Not evil.

I'm going to talk about what his ex shared with me.

Seriously, guise, please be gentle about me not having done a 100% cut off )

What am I asking for in this entry? I don't know. I don't know at all. Just...be nice to me?

Please?
quirkytizzy: (Default)
Jesus Christ, Peskipiksi, you were so right.

So I downloaded Why Does He Do That: By Lundy Bancroft. A book on abusive and controlling men. The download finished, like, five minutes ago, and I'm already highlighting. HOLY SHIT. (The book lists abusive as "behaviors and attitudes that demean or control you", so I like that.)

One of the awesome things about downloading via Kindle is you have access to Popular Highlights other readers have made in the book.

Popular highlight: "Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings."

I agree with this, but I can't see what values David might have had that would lead to this. Like, his parents and family - sure they are spoiled, but not like what David did to me. I don't THINK, at least. I know I don't see what goes on behind closed doors, but I don't know if it was a value he LEARNED.

Do people learn NEW values outside of their family? Well, yes, we do, but where in the hell did he pick up the value that being all Tortured Whiny Rational Dude means he could be Manchild Manipulator extraordinaire???

How do you pick that up if you weren't raised with it?

Does that question even matter? Shouldn't it be "He treated you badly, don't bother with it anymore"???

Anyways, expect some updates cuz DAAAYUUM. Relevant book is relevant.

EDIT: DUDE. So much about this also works for previous abusers I had growing up. ZOMFG.

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