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In the spirit of good health, a wider variety of affordable bras (along with less nipple torture) and not sweating so damn much, here's the plan:

* No calorie counting. Yes, it worked. It worked very well. But it gets singularly boring and tedious after a few months.

* I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking up restaurant menus to check for calorie content, especially if I'm hungry and/or don't have internet access.

* This means portion control. Thanks to MFP, I have a much better idea of what reasonable meals actually look like. If I'm eating out, this means generally halving whatever's served.

* But that means LEFTOVERS! Which, as perpetually broke as my ass is, is a good thing.

* Reducing my use of condiments. No, seriously, I go through a quarter stick OR MORE of butter for 4 frozen waffles. And half a jar of blue cheese dressing for 10 hot wings.

* Screw reducing salsa. Ain't no way I'm gonna torture myself with that.

* Thanks to no longer being with David, I've given up soda and no longer have sweets in the house. That problem's been solved on its own.

* Take out the cereal again. I go through anywhere from half to 3/4 of a box a day. Will I ever be able to eat it normally? Not sure.

* Use more whole ingredients. I have no idea what this means. Can anyone tell me what this means????

* Listening to my body when it tells me I'm full. Stop using food-comas as a cheap and legal way of getting high.

* Exercise? Sure. When I get there.

* Because this is the thing - the really big thing - there is no rush. Last time I went balls to the wall, lost 30 pounds, and got sick of the whole thing.

* Also, seriously, I WANT MY SMALL BOOBS BACK. (Okay, small as in D cup as opposed to Triple D, but still.) Yeah, yeah, yeah - I know dudes are all "NOOO", but you guys aren't the ones walking around with ten extra pounds (OR MORE) strapped to your nipples.

* It's fucking uncomfortable. Trust me.

* I'm making this a birthday present to myself. Let's get back to where we want to be, but let's take our time.

* Let's take our leisurely time about this, Teressa.
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I have been sleeping in until 7 AM most days. That's unusual.

Protip: You can unclog a stubborn toilet using dish soap, bleach, and hot water. Pour in dish soap and bleach, wait a few minutes, pour in hot water, and plunge. I also soaked the plunger in hot water, as pliable rubber creates a better seal.

It worked. I am very happy about that.

Math final today. I am not concerned. I have a high B in the class. It is also open book, open note, etc. We can have on hand our previous homework and tests. And since I've been going through and correcting my wrong answers on homework and returned tests, it's extremely useful.

Next month College Algebra. I'm not as worried. That's awesome. Something about this one class a month thing is working. It's really, really working. Love that.

Life has been so MELLOW lately. I know I'm supposed to enjoy it. And I do. But it gets dull.

A guy I game with has been using an e-cig. This one is different - it has an actual burn to it. That's been my problem with the other two e-cigs. They have no burn. It's like smoking air. (People say "It feels the same!" and I'm like "Wtf have you been smoking?") I am considering it. Not so much to give up smoking, but just to...idk....do something healthier once in a while.

Like you did, Bart.

I've been on MFP again. I'm logging my food but not particularly aiming for any particular count. I guess I'm just trying to be aware of what I'm eating. Years of a manual labor job spoiled me. I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. Cest la vie.

I understand that what I want to lose at this point is nothing but vanity pounds. At 5'1, 145 pounds is hardly problematic, healthwise. And because I realized I'm not working a manual labor job, I've upped my goal weight to 130. I may even bump it up to 135.

And I'm not rushed. Not stressed. If it takes me a year, it takes me a year. If it takes me two years, it takes two years. Not going in balls-to-the-wall this time.

Awareness. That's all I'm aiming for right now.
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The sun is rising later. I toss and turn between 5 and 6 AM, glance at the slight partition between the curtains, learn it is still dark. This morning it rains. I stumble outside for a cigarette, swaddled in my robe to stave off the droplets pouring from the sky. It's too hot, already so early, to be comfortable in a robe, but I wear it anyways. I don't want to get wet.

I need to arrive earlier at the school and see if it's possible to take my math courses next. I'd just as soon get them out of the way. Nice and early, boom, boom, boom. (There will be 3 of them for me.)

The scale at the donation center rang at 147 pounds. Patrick's said 143 earlier this week. I know I did not gain 5 pounds of fat between Thursday and Sunday. But it is enough to frighten me back onto schedule. I worked so hard to get to 133 and I've erased over half of what I lost. My problem has been portion control (that's always been the problem.) Back to logging my food. Being aware of how full I am or am not at any given time. Not eating tons of food just because it's there.

It's always been harder for me to lose weight in the summer months. In the winter, I sleep. I hibernate. I curl up inside the home. As a result, I eat less. Summer - summer I'm outside, I'm out with friends, eating out, etc etc. During the holidays, with all that food, it's easier not to overeat. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's because I'm not subconsciously afraid that I'll be left starving, without the next meal.

Maybe that's part of why poor people are often overweight. Outside of the horrible nutrition that poor people food is, maybe in the back of their mind they're thinking "Better eat now, who knows where the next meal is coming from?"

Maybe.
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Thank you, Paula, so much for the birthday present. I really needed that. Gas and cat food are first on the list. And the card is absolutely gorgeous - even David commented on its artistry. Thank you!

I am surprised how time affects the muscles - and yet how quickly they catch up. After months of not doing Pilates, the beginner's workout KILLED me the first day. I took two days off afterwards. But now it seems I'm rushing back on track - it barely hurts now, just three sessions in. That's a relief. It's only 20 minutes, but it works the muscles like DAYYUUUM.

I'm not a power exerciser. I do 20 - 25 minutes a day, 2 days Pilates and then a day on the treadmill. Something small and manageable. I couldn't imagine pushing myself for an hour!

My calorie counts are taking more time to get back into rhythm. In January, 1,400 calories was easy. I was rarely hungry and rarely over. It's relearning how to do that all over again. But I know it works, therefore I'm learning how to do it again. It's a matter of budgeting, really. Took me 3 months to figure out how to do it. It'll probably take me another 3 months to get it again.
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Strange dreams. Fighting bobcats, floods of water, trying to take a baby to safety, and fleeing the government in the hills of Colorado. All in some kind of post-apocalyptic world. Bizarre.

I started feeling better last night. This morning I wake with just a touch of nausea. Things are looking up.

I've gained 7 pounds back (from 133 to 140) and am tired of dicking around. I'm dragging myself back on the horse. Like it or not. Deal with it, Teressa. Track yer calories, do yer fucking Pilates, and get your ass back on the treadmill. 140 is a hell of a lot better than 160, which is where I'm headed if I don't shore up.

Also I want to play some Mass Effect today. I've missed my Femshep.
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Nothing of real note to note. Sleepless last night, though that was likely due to it being too warm in the apartment.

It was a strange day on the forums yesterday. They often have themes - what seems like random groupings of topics. Cleanses, specific diet pills, under-eating issues, "people are mean" threads. The internet does move as an accidently monolithic creature sometimes. It's a phenomenon that I've seen on nearly every board I've been on, though I don't know why it happens.

The "people are mean" threads astound me. MFP is a very moderated place. You can't curse, politics is near forbade, direct insults are quickly stricken down and punished. About your only line of obvious disdain is sarcasm and gifs (also moderated.) And often the "rude response" in question is a comment along the lines of "You were able to over-eat before, so how is it you can't reach 1,000 calories now?". Small - truly, truly small things.

But people flip out. Threads shouting about rude people, unsupportive people, bullies and mean people get created. Often the people creating those threads launch into name-calling, to which is then quickly pointed out as far more rude than any sarcastic response left originally. And these are older folks, not teenagers in the grip of some moody angst trip. Adults who find themselves absolutely beside themselves when they don't receive pats on the head and super-nice replies (to usually dangerous diet methods.)

At some point I'll have to copy/paste a typical thread. It's really mind-boggling.

It's been posited that MFP may very well be the first venture into the internet for many people. That the older folks have nothing outside of FB to fall back on for what is supposed to be internet etiquette.

Personally, I think /b ought to be an internet primer.

One of the most astounding things is the idea that people are only jerks because of the anonymity. But as someone else put it:

"I would add that while, yes, some people on the internet are rude because they are on the internet, there are also many people who appear to take said rudeness on the internet much harder than if someone was rude in real life. If this was not the case, I would imagine that highways would be full of people just sobbing behind the wheel because someone changed lanes without signaling."

Perfectly, perfectly worded. In real life, people generally don't take to shouting in public places about the masses of rude people. That would get you arrested.

So bitching about people behind the comfort of a screen goes both ways.

Oh well. I've dishes to do. Mountains of dishes. A workout to work in there somewhere. Cigarettes to smoke. I idly wondered if I would be the same person if I hadn't started smoking. It's so much a part of my life, so much a part of my personal image, that I'm not sure.

Cest la vie.

ETA: One of the things that infuriates me on the "mean people" threads is the casual use of the word "bully." People LOVE to use that word to describe how others are acting when they leave a sarcastic response.

Bullying is using psychological torture to completely destroy someone. To egg them onto violent acts of self-destruction. The absolute glee in seeing someone completely torn down, questioning even their existence.

To see the hordes of people who have been driven to suicide to bullying cheapened by an indignant dieter who can't handle being told that Dr. Oz doesn't know what he's saying absolutely, completely, 100% sets. me. off.
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I went and got bangs yesterday. I wasn't so sure of them at first, but they grew on me in the few hours afterwards. The positive comments on FB and MFP helped quite a bit. I think I'll be happier with them when they grow out a bit, but I am jazzed about how it turned out.

Now the annoying part of training a 31 year old hair part to lay flat, lest it gives my bangs a cowlick.

The rash on my arms (you know, the one that's been there for years?) has gotten worse lately, so out of desperation I picked up some anti-fungal cream. The cream is certainly more soothing than lotion or hydrocortizone has been. I'll avoid Vagsil, mostly because of how strong an odor it is. So jock itch cream it is. Google turned up candida as a possible cause, so I'm going to try that, some apple cider vinegar, and cutting down on carbs (sadness!) and see if it helps.

I asked my friends on MFP what constitutes carbs and the answer is: mostly everything. So I'm going to see about cutting back on sugar and wheats. I am not giving up my bananas and watermelon. Fruit has carbs but screw it. Fruit cannot be that bad for you.

Honestly, I feel like a hypocrite about that. I'm a huge advocate of "don't cut anything from your diet, just dial it down some." And I won't be cutting carbs entirely. But still, I feel embarrassed about it.

I really hope it does. I've googled everything from shingles to bed mites (which isn't it, because David's arms remain contagious free) to medication interactions to ill-intentioned genie faeries. With tank top weather coming soon, I've gotten super self-conscience about it.

In for more rain this week. Tuesday was originally predicted as a sunny 82 degrees. Now it is an 86 degree flood from the skies. Today says 77 and partly cloudy (which means it will be gray as hell.) Drives me nuts. At least the weather is warmer, though it will be dropping back into the 50's as the week goes on.

Oh yay.

I only slept five hours last night, as the night before. Not sure what's up with that. I nap during the day - usually shorter ones these days. An hour or two. (People always say to take a 30 minute nap. I'm like, dude, wtf? It takes me at least that long to fall asleep! 30 minutes would equal out to be a 2 minute actual nap for me.)

But the waking up early thing hasn't been a problem in a while, so I'm not sure it's the naps. I guess we'll see. The corporeal existence is a weird, weird thing.

Working out with bangs will be an interesting experience. David recommends a hair band to go over my forehead. I will probably wind up doing that. I think I'll skip the cardio today and just do my Pilates. My knee is better in the mornings, but the heeled boots I stupidly wore yesterday made for some late night knee-aches. Will be wearing my boots with flat heels for a while.

And Pepskiki - that is a great suggestion for the squats! I HAVE been doing them improperly - you explaining that was fantastic! Thank you. And both you and Michael are right about the whole David spat thing. Something for me to keep in mind.

Breaking the plateau has been an awesomely motivating experience. Exercise and calorie count are back to their happy-do levels. I'm on the second to last hole in the belt that Patrick picked up for me a while ago. I'm kind of sad to know that it will soon be too big (it was a 30 dollar belt!) but I can find that same belt in a smaller size when it comes to that.

Real life stuff, all good today. It's going to be a good day.

Weather be damned. Good day today.
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So I was feeling pretty smug about my early poetry - teen years - being better than what I see on the phone app. I decided to look at my poetry from that time. Nope, it wasn't any better. It was pretty terrible. It was right about on par with some of the drivel I see on the app.

I laughed. Self-humble for the self-pwning win.

I see a lot of the kids writing about cutting themselves. My poems never did. Not that I was trying to hide it, but I think I thought that the wounds spoke for themselves. I rarely - to this day, even - wrote love or break up poetry. I suppose that my poems about family were break up poems, though.

A few poems I see on the app are good. Adults already well-versed in verse or kids starting to navigate through metaphor and imagery. That still remains a skill I've yet to master. Poetry is not simply emotional commentary. I'm working on that.

I went through a journal I have that is not mine. (I have a few of those.) An astronomy student - I assume local to Sierra Vista - fall semester of 1987. It was a class journal, teacher comments along the sides. I found it in an old box in an abandoned building when I was 17. Several news story, little of relevance but interesting, are clipped in there. A few personal pieces about his trip to Europe, a girl he liked, one about an alcohol soaked part he attended that he didn't like.

I wish I could track him down. See who he is today. Ask how things turned out with that girl. But there's no name - either his or his teacher's - no identifying paragraphs, that would give me a clue of who he is.

He could be a very good man. He could be a horrible man. He could have died in a fiery accident just days after the last entry. But still, I'd like to know.

I own several of Pat's journals (he gave them to me after the divorce), one of my best friend's from our late teens, and another of a homeless, schizophrenic man who died in our hotel in 2005. It was in the lost and found box. No one had been found to notify of his death.

I felt it was important somebody had something to remember this man by. So I have it, scrawls of indecipherable dates and insane ramblings of a paranoid, crazy person. There's no sense to be made of it but I have it anyways.

They aren't my writings but I hold onto them just as fiercely. Just as treasured. People took the time to put themselves to paper.

That should be recognized.

Fantastic news: The plateau is officially BUSTED. I measured myself and found an inch gone on both my hips and my waist. And the scale showed that the five pounds the Depo had put on me had vanished. Things are trending down in size. This is exceedingly motivational and affirming.

I'd cracked down on the calorie count, starting drinking more water again, and changed the exercise equipment. Been doing my Pilates more regularly. That all plays a part. Have to remember that.

So off the exercise room I go. I haven't anything planned for today, save getting my ass kicked at Mass Effect. That's always fun.
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Without school there just isn't a whole lot going on. I'm slowly building up some people to clean for. I'd like to do that, pull in 20 hours a week at 200 a week. I could take care of rent myself that way. Even if I made 150 a week that'd still be more than I was making before.

I've decided to sort of ditch the scale for a while. I'll be checking with it but since I'm focusing on building some muscle I'm going to pay attention to inches and how my clothes fit. The loss comes in chunks. For a while I was losing in my waist. Then my boobs. Lately it's my ass. My pants, while fitting everywhere else, are getting baggy in the butt.

Although I did have to get a new belt. I'd punched in as many smaller holes as that one could have possibly held up. Pat was very nice and bought me one. That was awesome.

It's one of those quiet periods in my life. I'm going to enjoy it.
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So there was a thread about "The Secret" yesterday. My eternal annoyance and frustration about the Laws of Attraction were laid out and for the most part, accepted. The OP had frustrated me so much that I decided to whip out a little backstory, but I stayed calm and coherent throughout the thread. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for being able to be so rational about the whole thing. (I'd link to it, even, but the mods nuked the thread for what followed.)

Out of nowhere, another gal - separate from the OP - turned the conversation to the subject of the poor. It was a baffling 180 from the previous 4 pages but I managed to crack a joke which landed me a friend request from this woman. I decided "What the hell, why not?" and clicked the "accept friend" button. She typed out what I THOUGHT was a joke about her refusal to drive in a "beat up Honda" with a poor person.

I joked back that it was funny. She replied that she was not joking. I was momentarily confused.

And not even five minutes later, this girl launched into a vitriolic rant about the poor. It was loathsome and disgusting, ranging from how lazy they were to her wishing they'd (and I quote) "die off." She managed to paint mentally ill people and minorities into the picture and was overall just sickening.

Five minutes after I'd clicked "accept" I went back and clicked "remove friend."

I was polite about it. I sent her a message saying that I didn't think her and I would be a good fit and wished her luck on her goals. I'd already spent my energy on the first part of the thread and didn't feel like getting into it. I did link it on my friend's page, which upset my friends so much that they charged into thread themselves.

That part was pretty awesome.

And on and on went her ranting. It was truly, just utterly vile. I mostly stayed out of it, agreeing with another friend about her barely concealed (and then blatantly open) racism and just watched.

It was fairly funny the rest of the day as she kept dropping her disbelief and huffy attitude about being defriended into every thread she passed. Other friends made jokes at her expense and I had the chance to use the multitudes of LOL, DUH, and snarky gifs that I've collected. Her constant driving the conversation into every thread was damn hilarious. As were the responses made by other sympathetic, snarky members.

At some point in the night she quieted down, no doubt having logged off to attend to her horrifying life. It just amazed me that someone could be so awful. I knew people like that existed but I hadn't really met anyone who was so open about it.

So yeah. Brought into the fold and booted out inside five minutes. Shortest friendship in my entire online history.
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Because there was a headache on MFP that landed me defriending someone in the shortest online friendship in my entire history -




An awesome dude in a private group found that. So fits.

Update on the drama coming soon.
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Very restless sleep last night for both David and I. I'll go down for a nap later. Not only will I need it but it helps David sleep when I am beside him. It'll be good for both of us.

A friend last night mentioned that my skin is clearer. A bonus to drinking mostly water. I was very happy to hear that.

Also, burger with fried egg on top? Fucking delicious! Pat and I have a special treat planned for later today. A Pop Tart ice cream sandwich. It's gonna be awesome.

I've discovered that just plain walking with the treadmill incline jacked up burns major calories. Cuts down on time, too. I do Pilates for toning and cardio for the calorie burn. With the walking, I can also consider that my lower body workout. Pilates covers the top half. Totes awesome.

Dropped my calorie intake back to 1400 and have upped the exercise. I gave 1600 a month and a half, did not lose. It must be maintenance for my current weight. (134) It's cool. Trying different things is part of the game.

Pat's lending me a couple of 15 pound handweights. That's pretty heavy for me - even one is hard. But I'm going to start doing squats and stuff with it. Lifting is how a ton of ladies got those perfect abs on MFP. I want to try it! As they say on MFP "Want toning? LIFT HEAVY, BITCH!"

The friend who visited last night gave me some pointers on pushups. He's in the National Guard, graduated basic a couple of years ago and is active in PT. That was neat to talk about exercise for a few minutes. He said he might want a workout buddy come summer. Being as he's in the service, he's got tons of strength and endurance on me.

I still wanna do it!

David has begun, in earnest, to take a look at what he's eating. Noting calorie content, taking into account his activity level. It's very, very encouraging. A few months ago he was interested in exercise and while that's gone by the wayside, he's making progress in becoming aware of what to do with his body. Eventually he'll be confident enough to combine the two (exercise and diet) and work on getting the body he wants.

I'm very happy and proud of him.

For some reason, lower calories is easier to stay at than 1600. I don't know why. 1600 and I'm fighting the urge to eat over. 1400 and I stay right on target. Bizarre.

So yeah. Pilates. Nap. Pop Tart ice cream sandwiches. Gonna be a good day.
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So now that I'm off the sedatives, the Nyquill I've been taking to ward off the flu that David's been struck with knocks me on my ass. Like, sleeping in till 8 or 9 on my ass. Or even later (11 yesterday.) I've missed a couple days of school due to this. Lesson learned: Set your alarm.

It's supposed to be 80 today. 50's for the month ahead, but EIGHTY TODAY! YES! Spring is knocking at the door.

I've put a picture of Britney on my laptop. My new fitness model, as I've been slacking lately. Silly, I know. But 1) I love her and 2) she's smokin' hot. I know enough to know that her body is unattainable for me, but it's something good to shoot for.

Besides, seeing her smiling and happy on my laptop just does me good. A funny meme that I came across: Britney, hair shaved and umbrella extended towards a paparazzi - "If Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through today."

Damn straight.

I will never stop loving Britney. Ever.

My new fitness goal is to eat a piece of fruit everyday. I'm not so much a fan of veggies unless slathered in dressing or peanut butter (for celery and whatnot) and so fruit it is. I like fruit.

Having a solid goal, since that last 15 pounds is being stubborn, ought to help keep me on track while I whittle down. I'm also rededicating myself to Pilates every day - 15 minutes a day. That sweet bod I want to rock this summer won't make itself.

It's so nice be in my 30's. I can admit to all the 90's pop music that I felt was uncool and not gothy enough to love when I was a teenager.

Warm weather! Shorts! Big stompy boots and my spiked leather bracelet! Cowboy boots! Showing off my tattoo! So excited!

As with every year, Spring turns the tide. Life is returning to the barren earth. All will be well.

I love you all!
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It occurs to me that outside of the occasional soda, I have eliminated caffeine from my diet. I don't have a need for Excedrin Migraine now that I've switched to decaf.

I keep dreaming about Cassie. It is annoying. Sometimes it doesn't feel quite real yet that she's gone. Maybe it's because those last six months prior we hardly saw each other at all. From the office of my apartment I can see one of her old apartments, just across the highway. I stared at it yesterday, remembering the time when she lived there. It was not sad, but it was sad.

I wonder how she is doing. It does not feel safe to contact her. Maybe eventually it will be. David had on the movie "War Games" yesterday and the phrase "Strange game. The only winning move is not to play" reminded me of the nessecity of not entangling myself in the family drama.

I rather love that phrase.

There is a girl on MFP known for creating threads about cutting and occasionally threatening suicide. I feel for her but the constant attention seeking is tiring. I do know that she is in treatment, which allows her some leeway, but MFP is not a safe place to go on about those issues. The general consensus is to not participate in her threads.

I respond for the lurkers but I know it feeds into her drama.

She defends cutting as merely a "different" coping mechanism. I said that different is not the word, dysfunctional is. Until one can reclassify the behavior as aberrant, dysfunctional, destructive, there is no hope of changing it. Decades ago I argued the same thing about cutting. "It's just meat", I'd say. "What's the big deal?"

It is a very big deal and it wasn't until I could name it as unhealthy that I could work on curtailing it. It's now been over a decade between myself and the last cut, though it is an urge that occasionally comes up.

I do not cut. It is a victory, even after all this time.

At his therapist's suggestion, David and I have been trying list-making as a way to push through his depression. We often forget to set it up, but when we do, we both find ourselves getting a lot more done. I do this with him, setting up a list of my own as we're getting his list down. We try to put a couple of activities that we can both do together. It's an effective form of treatment.

I did this when I first got clean. My list, of course, consisted of far more basic things. Shower. Eat. Read the Big Book. Change out my underwear. But even those things were difficult at the time. I really had devolved into animal living conditions. The list helped immensely.

Spring is a few weeks later this year than it was last year. I am still, as always, practically drooling for its return. This winter was nowhere near as bad - showering was not a difficult thing. That seems to be the marker for my depression, the measuring stick I can use to gauge it.

There is not much else to write about this morning. Cest la vie. I love you all.

MFP Threads

Mar. 7th, 2013 06:09 am
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Ugh. Period. Pain. Sick. Can't walk fully upright. Downing 5 Ibprofen every three or four hours. Nausea. Still in pain. Fuck you, body. And fuck you to whatever god I pissed off to give me such a defective reproductive system.

MFP Thread: "Do you thinspo?"

No. Why the fuck would I use a technique that the pro-ana communities use? What the fuck is wrong with you?

MFP Thread: "Does long term juicing give the body a break?"

No. Why the fuck would the body need a break from eating? It's one of our most basic survival functions. We don't fucking need a break from eating anymore than we need a break from breathing.

MFP Thread: "Why am I feeling so bloated and listless on my period?"

How old are you? How many decades have you been menstruating? What the fuck? Has dieting made you stupid? Is it this magical memory eraser?

MFP Thread: "Other people eat fattening foods around me! They're trying to sabotage me!"

To quote another member, "This isn't WW2. You are not a munitions loaded train." Grow the fuck up.

MFP Thread: "The ABC Diet."

No. Just fucking no. It stands for "Ana Boot Camp." Get that shit off of my community.

(Thread reported.) These are the only posts I ever report. People can be major fuckwits all they want on the internet. Don't give a fuck. But not only are those kinds of diets against MFP rules, they are against any and all sense of morality if you support them.

You are triggering other people in recovery. GTFO.

MFP Thread: "How many calories would it be you ate a human being?"

You are awesome. That thread is funny and it cracked me up. Carry on, good sir.

MFP Threads

Mar. 7th, 2013 06:06 am
quirkytizzy: (Default)
Ugh. Period. Pain. Sick. Can't walk fully upright. Downing 5 Ibprofen every three or four hours. Nausea. Still in pain. Fuck you, body. And fuck you to whatever god I pissed off to give me such a defective reproductive system.

MFP Thread: "Do you thinspo?"

No. Why the fuck would I use a technique that the pro-ana communities use? What the fuck is wrong with you?

MFP Thread: "Does long term juicing give the body a break?"

No. Why the fuck would the body need a break from eating? It's one of our most basic survival functions. We don't fucking need a break from eating anymore than we need a break from breathing.

MFP Thread: "Why am I feeling so bloated and listless on my period?"

How old are you? How many decades have you been menstruating? What the fuck? Has dieting made you stupid? Is it this magical memory eraser?

MFP Thread: "Other people eat fattening foods around me! They're trying to sabotage me!"

To quote another member, "This isn't WW2. You are not a munitions loaded train." Grow the fuck up.

MFP Thread: "The ABC Diet."

No. Just fucking no. It stands for "Ana Boot Camp." Get that shit off of my community.

(Thread reported.) These are the only posts I ever report. People can be major fuckwits all they want on the internet. Don't give a fuck. But not only are those kinds of diets against MFP rules, they are against any and all sense of morality if you support them.

You are triggering other people in recovery. GTFO.

MFP Thread: "How many calories would it be you ate a human being?"

You are awesome. That thread is funny and it cracked me up. Carry on, good sir.

Got time

Mar. 5th, 2013 04:22 am
quirkytizzy: (Default)
I wake up pretty damn tired. A combo of PMS and the fact that it was freakishly warm in the apartment, making me toss and turn for hours. What I don't get is how it's hot when I go to sleep but absolutely freezing when I wake up. Bodies are weird.

A pair of jeans that had fit perfectly a month ago are now too baggy to fashionably wear. This now makes a single pair of jeans, one that was too tight a month ago, the sole fitting pair I have. I can still wear the old ones, but it doesn't look as good. Haven't lost a pound, haven't lost an inch. Not in an entire month. I don't get it. A friend on MFP says it's possible I'm losing inches somewhere that I'm not measuring, like my butt or something. Maybe. The bigger pair will at least be good to wear on my period, as I bloat like a whale.

It's nice but annoying at the same time. I don't have the money to go shopping for new pants every month. Oh well. First world problems, huh?

The new Pilates kicks my ass, but not in a horrible way. It's only 15 minutes but focuses on ab and arm building. Feels good to get back to it. I haven't stepped on the treadmill in a couple of weeks. One thing at a time.

Four months in and I've lost 20 pounds, 8 or 9 inches, and gone down at least a couple of sizes. This is good. I see a lot of people on MFP making threads about quitting, usually after only a couple of weeks. I know, in the beginning, that even a few days feels like an eternity, but I also know it takes time. Results are not immediately guaranteed. It took four weeks before I lost my first 5 pounds - quitting then would have only spiraled my weight up.

So I respond with "time, patience, practice." Weight loss is not linear. And I often say "If you give up now, six months from now you'll be wondering 'Where would I be if I had kept at it when I said I would?'" Honestly, I wonder where I would be had I started in August, the month I'd actually created my MFP account, but left languishing till nearly November.

Still, I'm glad that other members preached patience to me. It really has paid off.

And it will continue to pay off as long as I continue doing the work. Even if I don't feel like it. Even if I'm not motivated. I don't have to be on fire or passionate about it for it work. I just have to keep doing it.

Keeping up on the exercise will make for a better, tighter body at 120 than I had last time around. I'd like to look better at 32 than I did at 25. Seeing the success stories of other people's work shows me that it can be done, even at this age. This is encouraging. I won't be comfortable enough for a bikini this year. But maybe next summer. I've just got to give it time.

David, who had done a few weeks of exercise with me but has not done so for some time, seemed a little remorseful yesterday about his own lack of work towards weight loss. I said he knows what he needs to do, when he's ready to do it. He proved that he can put in the work when he was exercising with me. And when he's ready, he'll adjust his eating habits, something he had not done before. But one thing at a time.

And in time. Right now he's got school and mental health issues to contend with, no need to push him.

We're young. We've got time.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
At least the ones that go south, usually concerning extremely low calorie goals, diet aids, and things that will generally destroy your body.

1) Member posits question about unhealthy form of weight loss. Often implies that their minds are made up by asking only for advice by "people who have done it."

2) Seasoned members of MFP, with long term weight loss, file in, advising OP (Original Poster) to not do it and offer up alternative, reasonable, healthier ways to achieve their goals.

3) OP gets furious and demands that people support them.

4) Insanity ensues.

5) Seasoned members get frustrated and wander off, hands in the air.

6) OP creates a thread in which they scream that this is supposed to be a place of support and that they were treated unfairly.

7) The thread finally gets locked, OP storms off.

8) No one hears from the OP for months and months.

9) OP returns a year later, saying "I'm back. I gained even MORE weight! But I'm going to lose it this time. And this time I really mean it!"

*facepalm*
quirkytizzy: (Default)
My bladder usually wakes me up 2 or 3 times a night. I stop drinking liquids about two hours before bedtime every night - it's just always been like this. I'm pretty sure I have what is known as "overactive bladder", as somedays it is every 10 minutes for four hours in the morning. I guess the average is 7 times a day? Ha. I can break through that by 9 in the morning. On a good day, I rush to pee every 2 hours. Usually, it's about once an hour. But sans healthcare, there is nothing to do about it.

On the other hand, knowing exactly where the bathroom is located in the gazillion stores that I frequent may come in handy someday. Who knows?

Given this, when the cat is in heat and yodeling the most broken tune known to man, restful sleep was not possible. I wake strangely hungry, though dinner was late and I'd eaten plenty for the day. David had made a pot of flavored coffee, full caffeine. I had half a cup last night. I'll bet that has something to do with it.

The 1,600 calorie count is now easy to stick to. When I'd initially bumped it up, it was hard to stay under. Now it's not a problem. Staying around that goal is almost intuitive at this point. But that last few days have seen a bizarre trend - I want to eat. A lot. Not certain types of food (junk food, sugar, soda, etc), but just tons of whatever it is I am eating. I get full at the same rate as before, so the problem isn't hunger. It seems to be purely psychological.

My body doesn't care what I'm putting into my mouth, as long as it has large volumes of it. It's a struggle to not succumb to it. This hasn't been a problem before. My activity level has actually decreased, but a friend on MFP says it is something called "leptin." I have no idea what that is.

I should Google it.

The scale has essentially stopped moving, even with the cardio. I know very well that adding the Pilates back in would do me good, but I haven't done so yet. In some strange way, it is a bit of relief to not focus on the numbers. I haven't bothered to step on the scale in close to two weeks. It's a natural plateau and a common occurrence. I'm not particularly worried about it.

The snow brings about the usual winter unhappiness of being in the Midwest. Spring will be here before I know it, I know I just have to be patient. It's still annoying.

David's been hanging out at his parent's house more often. I've been declining. The aggravation of his sister's extreme couponing is still very present. Many of the items she's been collecting have been now sitting there for a year, unused and gathering dust. Much of it is food. Much of it is baby items. Every week there is more.

The food and baby items are what upset me the most. Charities need those items so badly. She will not use those items. But they will sit there, the food and baby formula expiring, month by month, having served no purpose except fulfilling her need to have things.

She does not even throw what has expired away. She simply moves it to her house, which is just as good as throwing it away.

Very angering to see that kind of waste.

Should David decide to attend school today (the parking lot is still insanely icy), there is a Poetry Reading on campus. I have nothing new (or at least nothing new and complete) to share. It would probably do me good to go anyways. Maybe I could dig up some entry or another read.

One of the local libraries is offering memoir writing classes. I really ought to go. Of course, this means leaving the house. All hail the power of social anxiety. It was like this years ago and it is like this now. I'd thought those previous years were merely a result of not having anywhere TO go, but now I can see this is a pattern.

Frustrating.

6:33. Bored as hell. I have a shower to take, a house to clean, but my nails are still wet. Vanity occasionally gets in the way of nessecity.

David's alarm goes off - hours before he will actually wake up. The noise, every 15 minutes, absolutely agitates me. Wake up or don't, but set the alarm for a time when you'll actually wake up. Argh.

Of course, I just don't get why everyone in the world doesn't wake up at 5 AM. Alright, I DO get it, but it's still annoying.

*sigh* Go smoke a cigarette. The nails are almost dry. Go pee. Again. Figure out what the hell I'm going to do with my day.

Try not to fucking smash David's phone in with a hammer.

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