quirkytizzy: (Default)
Re-reading the massive clusterfuck that was the Livejournal Choice War of 2012. (When they rolled out v-gifts that would donate to Planned Parenthood?)

What gets me, a couple years down the line, is the shit I got from other pro-choicers who were saying things like:

"You don't want us to donate to Planned Parenthood in the anti-choicers names? You are trying too hard to make them like you!"

Uh, what? Because I don't want to be a total dick and set myself up karmically to have donations made to the fuckmeister that is the Family Values Council, I'm trying to get pro-lifer's to like me? Suuuure.

"You made a crack about washing dishes. U NO UNDERSTAND SERIOZ TOPIX!"

Yeah, because the life of a woman who needs an abortion stops right after she steps outside of the clinic. It stops and nothing else EVER HAPPENS after that. A woman whose had an abortion will never have to do things like dishes, or work, or anything else, so if we try talking about the life a woman will lead AFTER an abortion, it's, like, totally flippant, man.

Anyways, now I want to go back in there and just post in gargantuan letters -

RAISE YOUR FUCKING HAND IF YOU'VE ACTUALLY HAD AN ABORTION. AND THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN, BECAUSE WE HAVE SOME SHIT TO SAY ABOUT IT.

Surely I wasn't the only one. Not by a long shot. There were thousands of women in that thread. But as often as I got jumped from both sides, the pro-choicers who assumed they had the right to define MY abortion experience FOR me....

It's one thing for a pro-lifer to try and define the experience of abortion, because it can (generally) be assumed they have not had to face the choice. They are speaking out of true ignorance. That can be enraging, but at least to some level, understandable.

It's another entirely when you have people claiming to be on your side who dismiss outright the experience of those who HAVE had an abortion.

(This is what happens I don't get on FB. Lots of spat out entries here.)
quirkytizzy: (Default)
To the wonderful and amazing donor who paid for an entire year of my Livejournal account.

THANK YOU!

This journal is my only sacred, safe space, and to keep it ad free for the sanity and well-being of my sake is extremely important to me. I was panicking because I wasn't sure how I would be able to come up with the money to pay for another year.

Thank you, Anon Donor, thank you so very, very much.

And another thank you to all of the donors who gifted Planned Parenthood under my name. Truly, fully, and gratefully, thank you.

This is why I have to come love and feel safe here.

Thank you for being a part of that.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
I think, more than anything, the lesson for my 30th year is learning the limits and boundaries of myself so that I can better respect the limits and boundaries of other people.

I jumped back in, snarling and hackles raised, last night. I was so tired and wore out from Cassie and the kids that I didn't try to filter even a little bit and, upon awakening this morning, looked at it and went "Oh Jesus. I did that again?!"

I am so, so tired. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. So exhausted. I apologized and tried to explain that. It was received well and for that, I am utterly grateful. I really came off as a jackass. And I've been able to let it go today.

Don't get me wrong, a part of me still wants to leap back in, guns blazing, barrels hot - but a larger part of me is seeing just how messy I can be. How messy conversations like this can be, and how that mess just multiplies by millions when you add in the voices of hundreds of Internet users into the conversation.

I'm still a little confused. Half the time I got my ass jumped because I wasn't being nice enough. The other half I got slammed because I was thanking people for being nice. It kept shifting - the expectations and rules for how these things go depending on the specific people talking at that exact second. I don't always know how to handle that. I don't know where the middle line is. Sometimes it feels like everyone has this book of rules that tells them what to do and I, for some reason, just decided to skip class the day it was handed out.

It's like I'm a cranky, worn out two-year old who really, really needs to take a nap, but is so tired that he won't sleep and instead just winds himself up more and more in his exhaustion.

And I know I've got an addiction to high adrenaline, high temper, messy situations like these. I've learned to keep it mostly to online debates and debacles - which is MUCH MUCH MUCH healthier than where I used to take it - and that's good, but it still lands me in unpleasant, uncomfortable, and outright upsetting situations sometimes.

There's a host of reasons why I'm like this, and a lot of it boils down to "stunted brain shit from abusive childhood affecting the growth of the hippocampus and other whacky chemical imbalances making your brain more like a game of Jenga than a puzzle. Oh, and you've always got shaky hands." I know I can work around it. But sometimes I don't know if I have the energy to, or if I really WANT to, or even if it's necessary.

I don't always know how much I should be true to myself versus learning to change for the better. That's the really hard part for me.

I guess that's one of those life-long lesson things.

I'm so tired right now. This has been a major event for me. Crazy, that a single online debate could actually be so deeply cutting inside of me that it feels like it's rerouting the flow of rivers and creating new mountains from the shifting of metaphoric tectonic plates.

But it has, and to say it hasn't, to brush it off and go "Oh, haha, it wasn't a big deal" would be lying.

I will be able to make more sense of it as it goes on. For today, I think it's time to retreat. Get back to my own safe place, pick up the pieces of myself that I've scattered everywhere in that thread, and try to get some rest.

And hope that my period gets done soon. I think that'll help, too.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
The "morning after" affect is not lost on me.

I feel a little - or a lot - hung over. This is more or less because 1) I went to bed at five AM 2) am on my period and 3) have expelled an enormous, frightening, almost concerning amount of energy into the Choice War of 2012. (I don't know if anyone else is calling it that. But that's what I'm going to call it.) I barely have the energy to lift my coffee cup, I've expended that much energy. I'm guessing that's not the healthiest thing for a person to do.

And I have run Cassie around and do some babysitting tonight, so crashing early isn't going to be an option.

Tell me again why I do this to myself? Oi.

Points of notation:

* I stepped over the line a couple of times in telling a couple of people I wished they would die. Didn't see it until someone else pointed it out. Went back and looked at it and went "oh. I shouldn't have said that." Turns out sometimes I'm that asshole and I need to work on not doing that.

* It was easier to not feel quite so personally attacked by members of my own side once I realized that due to the mess it was, I was on the defensive at, like, DEFCON A MILLION levels. It occurred to me that other people were probably in the same headspace and needed me to not go apeshit on them.

* Livejournal has an almost unsettling number of people with moving gifs. The shinies and movements were both distracting and awesome.

* I did not take the fight to anyone's personal journal. I did not use any information on anyone's personal journal to bring up during this fight. No one took the fight here or used my personal information against me, either.

It was very, very tempting to do so at a couple of points. The fact that I refrained and that others refrained is incredibly comforting. It gives me hope and love for Livejournal as whole, even the ones I feel nothing but a violent and deep disdain for. I know there are other people out there who weren't so lucky, but I really hope that number is smaller than I fear.

* David and I had a spat fueled by my bristling countenance over the last day and a half. I apologized. That actually felt good to be able to do that.

* I really, really need another five hours or so of sleep and am not going to get it for a while.

So there's that. I think I'm done for now. It has gotten to the point where it is affecting my sleep schedule, so yeah, it's time to bounce. Met a lot of great people, though. That was amazing.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
I keep thinking that this is either the most worthless thing I have ever done or else the most important thing I've ever done.

I get so angry. And so frustrated. And then amazed. And then awed.

But I'm finding the conversations are changing. At least the ones I'm able to have.

There is more support out there than I had ever thought possible. I am able to reach out to others and support them. They are able to reach out and support me. Even the opposing side is surprising me with their ability to be kind. Kind words and kind people from both sides of this issue - for every idiot out there, I am seeing at least two people who are managing to fend for their side and keep it below nuclear levels.

I'm also seeing people able to apologize when the mushroom clouds do go off. Someone did apologize to me. The gal from the last link I posted last entry.

http://theljstaff.livejournal.com/5366.html?thread=519158#t519158

I was momentarily speechless. Sometimes people are amazing and I'm shocked.

I have to remember to be brave enough to be that person sometimes, too. To return the gift when I am lucky enough to receive it. I apologized back. It felt amazing to be able to do that. I even went back to the gal I had the first spat with and apologized. She didn't deserve to be called a heartless bitch.

This is so strange for me. And so beautiful.

I'm still in it, starting new conversations every once in a while. I'll probably be in it for at least a few more pages.

And I'll probably lose it again at some point during this. There are still A LOT of idiots out there. But I'm starting to see that even if I want everyone to play cool and stay nice, maybe it's okay if we don't. I just got reminded about justifiable anger and how necessary it can be to the process of healing and strength. About how powerful it can be in the right places.

I forget that sometimes.

There's about 25 years of my pro-choice standings shifting as we speak. Not to pro-life, not away from my rabid belief in a woman's right to choose....but to seeing some of the other side as people, too. Seeing that maybe my side isn't so perfect. Some of them are absolutely horrifying me right now.

But some of them are making me very proud and very grateful to be pro-choice.

And I'm starting to see that - the human aspect - in the others who are arguing the opposite, pro-life side. This has never happened before.

This is changing something fundamental in me. Right now. With every comment that I read.

This whole thing - it's amazing.

(Also: To the wonderful and amazing and beautiful people who have donated to Planned Parenthood under my name - I LOVE YOU AND THANK THANK THANK YOU!!!! I am so damn broke right now that I feel like all I can do is climb into the mudpit and sling it out - thank you guys for making me a part of this amazing chance to support this cause held dear to us!!!!)
quirkytizzy: (Default)
http://theljstaff.livejournal.com/5366.html?thread=482550&#t482550

Just...jaw drop.

Also: Saying you like something spoken in a reasonable manner is now called "insensitive."

Also....sharing that one post - the one I couldn't bear to reread - here and there in that thread is emboldening. I still can't go back reread it.

But suddenly it seems like maybe someday I will be able to. It's like with every time I share it it becomes less....shameful. It's the whole "getting it out there" thing. The reason I'm on Livejournal to begin with. Sharing things with people makes it less scary.

For the first time since writing that, I'm beginning to feel some hope about it.

As for the conversations - I think I'm now in it just to see how insane my side gets. I'm completely in awe.

(Nah. I'm sure I'll find other people who I want to thank for their stories, or chat with about this whole thing. But still, it is a really interesting thing to be watching....)
quirkytizzy: (Default)
1) Unveil controversial new feature to Livejournal

2) Flock to the center of the comment section, wade in

3) State my piece

4) Step back to enjoy the show of both sides battling it out

4) Get snarked at by fellow like-minded individual

5) Snark back at fellow like-minded individual

6) Shit builds, hits critical

7) The Internet explodes.

.....fer fuck's sake.

More to come later. Until then, I wanted to thank anyone whose stopping by this journal - even if you're here because you disagreed with me. For better or for worse, Livejournal is about sharing. I'm okay with that.

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