quirkytizzy: (Default)
Things I did today:

* Nap

* Painted my nails white

* Accidently kicked the cat off the bed

* Cried some more about Robin Williams

* Realized I was out of verde chili salsa

* Thought about how you guys are right that the Parkinson's is just another layer and that the depression was really the key factor

* Ate a peanut butter cookie in bed

* Realized Cassie's children will outlive me

* Realized that felt weird

* Realized mortality scares me a lot more than I thought it did

* Ate a brownie
quirkytizzy: (Default)
Post Secrets posted this week.



And this one, which somehow starts to make it better.



I have been reading. Every word. Every word you've left for me and every word you've written for yourselves.

Somehow, it's getting better. This last week....it really screwed me up. Him dying like that. But it's starting to get better.

Thank you guys for that. I love you. I really, really do love you guys.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
Yesterday I made an angry FB post. It stayed up for about ten seconds before I deleted it.

In this FB status, I essentially berated Robin Williams for killing himself due to Parkinson's. I know someone with Parkinson's - Pat's mother. She has not killed herself. She did not, as I put it, "punk out." So why did he?

I reread the post and then took it down before I get any comments on it. It wasn't a fair status, especially in the wake of so many of us grieving him.

So what I keep thinking is this: I believe that nothing is so terrible as to warrant suicide a viable option. I truly, truly believe that no pain on Earth is so great that it cannot be eased with the passage of time.

But...who gets to decide that? Me? One person living a relatively well off life in one of the richest countries in the world? Me, who has never faced terminal illness, nor would have to grapple with both a body and mind that would fall away from me, out of my grasp with no control?

Do I get to decide what the breaking point is for all 7 billion people on this planet?

I don't. I don't get to decide that. I want to, but I don't get to.

I think that's part of why this one is hitting so hard. I don't understand suicide. I've never been suicidal. Not once. I have absolutely no comprehension of the mental and emotional anguish that one faces and then decides against when they decide to end their life.

So since I don't understand it, I.....don't understand it. And that makes this harder. Maybe it's easier for people who have been suicidal. Maybe it's not.

I just know that I was really, really angry last night. And that it wasn't right for me to yell at him on FB.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
Method of suicide has been revealed. He hung himself. He also tried to slit his wrists first, apparently.

http://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com/90352702.html

Hanging. I don't get it. That's how Becky killed herself, too. Why hanging? It's not an easy or painless method.

If you are doing this in a home, it's extremely unlikely you will be able to create a big enough drop to snap your neck.

So it's slow strangulation. Slow. Scary. The body does not want to die, it will fight you.

Why would you do it that way? Someone in the comments said that hanging is relatively easy to set up and can be done on a spur of the moment.

But...painful way.

This is hitting me pretty damn hard. All day. All day still having crying fits. Never had a celebrity death hurt like this.

A lot of people saying they feel as if they lost someone they knew. That's how I feel, too.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
So today it is as many Robin Williams movies as I can possibly stand. First up: The Birdcage, in which I realize he has what used to be a very funny line.

"If you don't finish getting ready, Albert, I'm going to kill myself."

That line isn't as funny anymore.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
We're all talking about him and I'm no different. And I hurt. And I'm still crying.

I was upset when Amy Winehouse died. She was one of mine. An addict. But this death? His?

It cuts deep, much deeper than any celebrity death has yet before. His addictions, his mental illness issues, those also make him one of mine. One of many us, so many of us here on my list. Likely EVERY one of us.

It's not just that he died. It's that he killed himself. Suicide. Checked himself out of the farm. This wasn't an accident. This wasn't the natural progression of one too many drug binges.

This was Robin Williams, making a clear, conscience decision to end everything that he ever felt inside of himself.

When did he decide that he was going to kill himself? Was it days before or minutes before the act? The person who found him - were his open or closed? Was he scared at the end? Was he relieved? What position was he laying on the floor in?

I think I'll be crying for a while with this one.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
Robin Williams killed himself.

This is not a joke.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/melaniehaiken/2014/08/11/robin-williams-found-dead-in-marin-county-home/

I'm crying. I don't...WHY? WHY DID HE DO THIS? No. No no no. I liked him. I always really really liked him.

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