Jul. 12th, 2017

quirkytizzy: (Default)
Romanticizing it, Gonzo? Absolutely. I don't know what else to when the Crazy is such a player in the front of my mind. I have to find a way to make it real, because if it's real, then I can talk to it. I have a way of communicating with it. I can't ignore it. I can't just tell it go away and watch it slink away into the wings of the stage.

I have to make theater of it, because if I'm dancing with it, the dance eventually ends. It bows and eventually something else to dance with steps up to my outstretched hands.

I've been trying to do what the psych says and that's staggering my meds so my heart pressure doesn't drop too low. In the middle of it, I like to take long, hot as my skin take without melting baths. I smoke cigarettes like a luxury hot tub in the bath. It gets me tipsy. I walk a little off center. I feel good.

Jesse admonishes me to keep the baths short, the water cooler. I can understand where it'd be disturbing to watch your partner climb out of the water as if she'd just taken six shots of vodka. But I get defensive.

"Everyone else in the world gets to have fun with their chemicals! You drink! You smoke weed! You get to have fun with it! Why can't I? I'm not stupid enough to drive in these states. I don't wander downstairs and get into dangerous or uncomfortable situations with strangers. I stagger around the apartment a bit and then crawl into bed."

I don't drink. I don't do illicit chemicals. I don't have wild sex with every hottie I see from the balcony. I take care of my appointments, my meetings, getting us food, getting the bills paid, all of 95% of 100% of the time. I'm pretty goddamn responsible. So I like to get a little high from hot water?

Count yourself lucky, because my favorite other way to get high is to bleed, and we're a few weeks out from that. Which would you prefer? Someone who weaves into the closet door because the bathtub was too hot, or someone who left the bathtub a mess of blood?

Cuz like it or not, sometimes those are the only two choices you get. I'm learning more everyday, but what's ingrained is written deep and will take a long time to be penned over.

I'm not normal, so I don't get to have fun like normal people. And a few prescribed pills, taken exactly as the professional tells me and a bubble bath is coming off pretty easy when I look out at a world that makes fools of themselves with chemicals.

So I'm crazy? I like to get a little dizzy when I can. I'm not fucked up.

I'm fucking human.

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