Apr. 19th, 2017

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It turns out there's a reason I feel better off the Cellcept (that one kidney drug I keep railing about.) Cellcept is a motherfucking chemomotherapy treatment. It's basically a daily dose of chemo, in pill form. No wonder I get so sick on it.

Also, you know what's more aggravating than hold music? Hold music that breaks in every 15 seconds to let you know you're still on hold. I can hear your hold music. I already know I'm on hold. And that pre-recorded voice always leads to a brief but irritating hope that I've finally gotten ahold of a real person.

Penlessej, that explanation of how the potassium blocker works makes PERFECT sense. So apparently I'd been overworking my kidneys and my body prioritized the focus on my kidneys instead of my heart (leaving it to work harder to cover the slack). I had no idea. It's annoying, but of understandable dire necessity, that our bodies triage themselves. Potassium is one of the most difficult electrolytes for me to not over-consume and it was showing.

Thank you for explaining that.

And Cinema, I've been thinking about your question. About how to define "better." I really haven't figured that one out yet. I know I want a...an acceptance, I guess. A better way of learning how to live with this disease. How to schedule around it, how to be less anxious and frustrated with all the treatments, how to make it simply something that I deal with (like my bipolar) instead of something that DEFINES me.

I know this will take time. Lots of time. Like you said with your own experience, the symptoms are so goddamn prevalent. And right now, it is soooo easy to feel like just a series of symptoms and setbacks. "Better" would be feeling like a person most of the time.

That's as far as I've gotten with the idea. But it was a profound question you asked and made me start thinking about how "the small moments" are brief respites that my mind and body so desperately needs. A kind of "take what you can get and know that as time goes on, you'll get more" sort of attitude.

There are so many other comments to get to. I am making a concerted effort as I can, day by day, to get to them. Ben, you've written so much about your own health issues and I feel you are such a great source of comfort and solace. And yep, Tom, the dude is the most coldest and clueless of anyone I've ever met. I can - and will at some point - go on and on and on.

Fairy, Gonzo, Harvey, Blozor, so many friends. So, so many of you. I am blessed to have so many friends that it can actually take time and effort to catch up on the support I'm being given.

Of all the things in life to be "over-burdened" with, this is the best kind that anyone could ever want.

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