Apr. 5th, 2017

quirkytizzy: (Default)
ER TRIP #5 (this week, at least)

Oh, and due to this being the 5th ER visit this week, (along with a 3 hour psych walk in and another 2 hour dr walk in, AND migraines AND nausea, all this week, I'd missed my dr's appt this morning.)

Maybe I'm a little overwhelmed? That just COULDN'T be possible, could it? No. Certainly not. Sick people are not allowed to be overwhelmed. There's just so much to do!)

So, what with the outcropping of unusual symptoms this week, I did the only other thing I could think of to do.

I went to the goddamn ER.

All labs come back as normal, as they always seem to lately. I tell them about the dangerous game I've been playing with my blood pressure meds, (taking too many, taking some that's not been prescribed to me) due to my BP staying between 175-185 unless I take all those unprescribed meds.

Their faces pucker in disapproval (of which I'd expected), but as my BP in the hospital was normal - I'd told them I had taken all those meds only hours earlier and thus it would read fine...well, I could also see THAT look. The look that says "Here's another one, exaggerating symptoms..."

I tell myself to breathe. That life is nothing more than one grand, cosmic joke and that I should get on and get in on the joke.

I leave with a new blood pressure medication, and after a great deal of begging, five days worth of pain meds.

REJECTED.

I no longer have insurance. It was (OOOPS!) accidentally cancelled and will be reinstated within (unknown amount of time). My blood pressure meds are out of whack, I'm experiencing incredible pain, and most worrisome, the one kidney medication I'm on that is THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME ALIVE will now costs hundreds and hundreds of dollars.)

I can, of course, be reimbursed for the damn near thousand dollars I'll be spending on meds in the meantime.

Cuz that's what every sick person has in their back pocket. A whole grand, just taped up and ready for governmental, red-tape, fuck ups.

I decide that life is not a cosmic joke.

Life is an impediment.

But here's the bitch of it all...I fucking CARE if I live or die. I actually fucking CARE. So I can't go on a rampage and kill myself because goddamnit, been there, done that, got the fucking T-shirt.

And I'm supposed to be grateful for that, right? Like it's supposed to give me hope, a branch to hold onto in tough times?

Hell no. All it's doing is pissing me off right now because I couldn't get to suicidal if I tried.

I'm tired. I can't handle all the calls, all the visits, all the paperwork. I can't. I just can't. I don't even know if I have the ability to reach out for help concerning those things anymore. I'm just that fucking tired of it. Bones deep, blood aching, tired.

It's not just this thing this time. It's ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME lately. It's been one thing after another fucking thing for month after month after month after LIFETIME. Two, three complications? Bring it, bitch.

This? This never ending life or death game? FUCK IT. FUCK ALL THIS NOISE.

All I ever wanted was a quiet, boring little life and a good job. The Universe has deigned me unworthy of such a thing. Why? What did I ever do the universe? I am not Londo Mollari, goddamnit. But for whatever reason, my life is decades of struggle punctuated by a year or two in between of relative peace.

I want off this roller coaster. NOW. THIS FUCKING INSTANT.

But I won't be getting off this ride anytime soon. If I tried to kill myself, I'd just survive and wind up looking twice the fool.

Of course, if these lapses in insurance keep happening, this disease will kill me on its own. I'll be fucking dead and why? BECAUSE I AM FUCKING POOR.

I won't even get the satisfaction of giving the Universe the middle finger on my out.

And THAT will fucking piss me off.

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