Mar. 27th, 2017

Pillars

Mar. 27th, 2017 04:29 pm
quirkytizzy: (Default)
It is most certainly dangerous, Matrixxman. The way they can fob you off. This is why I'd avoided ER's for 20 years. I had no doctor. No health care. No General Practitioner to see after walking out of an emergency room. What good would have it done, I always told myself.

I also had the strangest dream about you, Matrix. One in which I'd somehow stumbled into your garage. You owned a blue Volvo - a Beetle, I think. All of the doors were open, but you weren't in there. I started for the car, but noticed a book on a garage shelf.

It was a journal of yours. Brown skinned journal, but with the most curious thing in the middle. Small, glued, mini-pages stapled in the middle. A book within a book. I was opening up the small pages when a man in a blue shirt with a red and white hat chased me out, shouting that I would not touch any of "Chuck's" stuff. (Your name is NOT Charlie, is it?)

I am definably mentally clearer. I prioritized this morning. We'd found a combo that mostly knocked out the migraine and woke up this morning, two walk-in's this week needed on my mind. Medical and psychiatric. I can only do one a day, lest I collapse.

It's in my instinct to go the mental health care intake first. It's what I have most practice in. I know how those work. They don't scare me. But my blood pressure is reaching internal cooking temperatures. I don't know what medical walk-ins are like. They scare me.

But I did what was immediately needed. I prioritized. I went to the Dr's walk in. Turns out it's much the same as any other kind of walk in. Some extra paperwork, a bunch of waiting, and clipped services. I came out with some new BP meds and a prescription for Hydrocodone to handle the pain in the meantime. Two hydros, a bath, and a lot of rest later, I feel somewhat functional.

And you are correct, Cinema. The migraines are connected to my blood pressure. At least it directly seems so. The main medical goal is now to get my BP under pressure and the migraines should also ease. The Dr said it's possible it's a joint inflammation issue, restricting nerves and blood flow, but I've an appointment again in two weeks. We'll know for sure then, but my bet is the blood pressure.

I re-remembered something yesterday. The pain had made me...irate, as Jesse put it. I wasn't just snappy, snarky, or bitchy. For whatever time I spent awake, I was enraged. And I remembered why I held onto the anger of my life for so long.

Anger is injured pride. It's basically (valid or not) your EGO talking. And if there's one thing I won't do when I am feeling egotistical is hurt myself. I'll be damned if I let myself make whatever pain I'm going through worse.

If there is one ill condition I am safest to myself in, it is when I am furious.

But the fire of that rage that kept me fighting for so many years is gone and now apparently only comes out when I'm in physical pain. This is not a good way to sustain that motivation, which itself isn't entirely too healthy, either.

Something I hadn't quite considered when the zen of my abused childhood and David - and even my drug addiction - became greater than the venom: Those were underpinnings. Pillars. Without them, the ceiling crashes down.

I need to replace those. I'd never thought that losing anger could actually be a LOSS, something that would need something else in its place. But it does.

How to rebuild, or what to put as pillars, I have no idea. But I'm searching. Starting therapy again will help with that. The rest?

I don't know. It'll show itself eventually. Nothing yet has killed me - even me. Somewhere inside of me is someone who does not want to give up. Somewhere inside of me is someone who knows how to scavenge hope in the darkest of places. Somewhere inside of me is someone who knows how to build a bridge in barren lands with her bare, bleeding hands.

Somewhere inside of me is someone who wants to live, no matter what threads I have scramble at to do so with. I know this because I've done it before. I know this because I. AM. STILL. HERE.

I feel like now is where the work in bringing her to the surface begins.

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