Mar. 15th, 2017

quirkytizzy: (Default)
If I'm in any kind of right mind, this is how the self-harm inner monologue plays out.

* Wake up and for whatever reason, feel like doing damage to myself. Usually cutting, but there's a thousand other ways to do it, too.

* Think to myself "Okay, before we do anything, let's have a first cigarette. You don't want to do anything rash before you've got your nightly nic fit fixed."

* Have cigarette and mentally run over what the morning chores are for the day.

* Think to myself "Okay, if you REAALLY want to hurt yourself, at least scoop out the catboxes first. Jesse will be too stressed to do if you're in the psych ward."

* Scoop out catboxes.

* Think to myself "Okay, if you REEALLLY want to hurt yourself, let's at least do the dishes first and straighten the house up. It'll help Jesse not be so stressed about the house."

* Do the dishes, straighten up house.

* Think to myself about how long it's been since I've showered, because I know if I get locked up in the hospital, I won't want to shower for at least a week.

* Shower.

* Think to myself "Well, if you REEALLLY want to hurt yourself, at least eat first. You'll be stuck in backrooms and waiting rooms for hours and hours and get a nasty headache from hunger. So eat first."

* I eat.

* By this time, the house is clean, I am showered and fed, and have even done a few good deeds for Jesse. Normally by this time, I am tired from the morning exertion and just want to go back to bed.

* The urge to hurt myself dissolves into this morning routine I have for myself. I've done other things and it wore me out.

It's not foolproof. Plenty of times in my life when I've played paint by numbers with my own blood in a filthy, messy home. But it can - and often - does help. It stops the immediate and actual urge to hurt myself and relegates it to an intellectual exercise, way back in the back of my head.

* Like this morning, when I woke up with a wild urge to hurt myself, for no real reason that I could see, other than The Crazy.

* There's a reason I can be such a stickler for doing my chores exactly when I do them, exactly how I do them, and exactly in what order. Sometimes they are what save my life. You just don't mess with a system like that.

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