Mar. 12th, 2017

quirkytizzy: (Default)
"I'm really hungry. I wonder what I should do about that."

*Brief pause, as I am genuinely confused on how to solve this problem*.

"Oh! Duh. How about you try eating? Y'know, that thing that humans have been doing since the dawn of time when they're hungry?"

*pours bowl of cereal*

Less than a dumb thought: I am struggling a bit with self harm issues this morning - but in a weird way. I can't decide if I want to cut myself because I actually want to cut myself OR if I want to cut myself just to make a big, messy, dramatic, messy kind of mess.

There are logistics to consider. If I were to take the car to ER, that would leave Jesse stranded. He'd have to beg a ride to pick up the car at the hospital. Summer is coming soon. It won't look quite right if I've got my amazing rack (seriously, some days my tits are the only thing I've got going for me) stuffed into my tank top right on top of a bunch of scars. Jesse and Pat will be exasperated. I won't be able to smoke while in the hospital. They won't let me shower at 3 AM (which is often my favorite time to shower.)

Usually those thoughts are enough to curtail any real damage I want to do myself. And as I've yet to pick up anything sharp and apply it to my skin, it seems to be working now, too.

So obviously (no sarcasm there) the issue is not acute or immediately dangerous. I just wonder why I'm wondering about it at all. I've had another bad night's worth of sleep, which I'm sure contributes. The insomnia is all piling up again, which I'm sure contributes. I'm a firm believer in things adding up.

You don't just experience one thing at a time. It sits there and more and more stuff gets put on it. If you're doing the right thing, you are constantly trying to remove the old stuff before the new stuff gets tossed onto the pile.

But sometimes that pile rises so fast, way faster than anyone could ever work through the bottom layers to keep up.

My lupus may be somewhat under control (as in "It's not going to kill me today.") But my bipolar is sitting at home base, baseball bat cocked and ready to pulverize whatever comes at me.

I'm just a little worried that what's going to come at me is ME.

So yeah, got some self-harm idealization going on today. Heavier thoughts than usual, but with no real energy behind them. So far, at least. That's good. As far as I can tell, that's how unhealthy behaviors change. You feel them - you just don't act on them.

So I guess it doesn't matter if I really want to hurt myself or if I just want to be a bloody attention whore. I'm not going to cut myself either way. At least so far. I HATE having to add that caveat. But I always do, because (1) The crazy (2) life changes fast and (3) I'm not perfect and sometimes I go back on my word.

Wouldn't want people to think I'm completely reliable, since I'm absolutely not.

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