Feb. 16th, 2017

quirkytizzy: (Default)
Do I want to be awake at 6:30 AM, after being awake at 4:30 and then again at 5:30? No. It's annoying enough on its own, but I have a doctor's appointment at 1 PM that I have to be alert enough to get to, to process, and get home from. Then gaming at 4 PM.

All of my adult life, I've experienced what they call the "afternoon slump." Or at least, I THOUGHT that was what I was experiencing. I assumed that everyone who had the afternoon slump did things like slap their face to stay awake, or consume endless cups of coffee well into the evening just to keep their eyes open and to keep from stumbling and falling asleep on their feet.

Now, with Hey, Lupus!, I realize that no, that's not what they mean when they say "afternoon slump." That shit's not normal and I now I know it.

I can't always plan my days around the mornings and so, inevitably, there comes the exhaustion around 1 in the afternoon. It doesn't matter if I wake up at 5 AM or 11 AM - come the afternoon, I'm desperately trying not to fall asleep. I've never much thought to be resentful of it, as I thought it was relatively common.

Now that I know it's NOT? Enter the resentment, the irritation of knowing that if it weren't for this tiny but extremely powerful disease wrapped around my DNA, I could comfortably experience afternoons.

I don't want to have lupus. I don't want to have failed kidneys. I'm an adult, damnit, and I SHOULD have agency to have what I want. I mean, I did not do this to myself. I SHOULD have control, or at least have HAD control. Some set of behavioral actions I could apply to it. But it wasn't ME that went wrong. It was my genetics. And genetics don't give a flying fuck about being a grown-up. So I wrestle it down like a bear, sometimes winning, but usually (as I go down for a nap) losing.

Talk about feeling like a prisoner in your own body. Jesus fucking christ, it is ridiculous.

Just keep

Feb. 16th, 2017 03:53 pm
quirkytizzy: (Default)
In the waiting room at the doctor's office, a wild Anxiety Attack appears (and yes, it is Super Effective):

ME: Why do I have the sudden urge to scream and start running towards the door?

JESSE: Because this is the place where they tell you if something is wrong.

ME: I don't feel this way when I'm in the hospital. Why does going to the doctor make it feel SO MUCH MORE real?

JESSE: You've been in the hospital more than you've been at doctor's offices. It just takes practice, is all.

Just keep smiling and they won't know how scared you are. Smile, make a bad joke when you realize how long explaining the last 7 months to the doctor is taking. Smile. No, you're NOT going to break down sobbing when you walk out of the building. You're going to get in the car and light up a cigarette like a goddamn adult. SMILE, DAMNIT.

I feel so...small against the enormity of this disease. I want to run and hide myself somewhere, except myself IS the problem - all the way down to the cellular level.

Just smile.

They'll never know if you just keep smiling.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
Playing the tabletop RPG Eclipse Phase. I ripped my character off as Molly from Neuromancer. I'll bet Molly wouldn't have let the wolf (lupus) slow her down. She'da just gone "I got sharper claws. Bring it, bitch."

*out comes the 4 inch blades under her nails*

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