Feb. 9th, 2017

quirkytizzy: (Default)
Y'know those days where you know it's gonna be one of THOSE days, immediately upon awakening? Yesterday was one of those days. I was tired beyond belief, but somehow managed to push through it and not go back to bed. I astounded myself in not taking a nap, really, so heavy was the exhaustion.

This morning feels much the same, though I'll have to be awake at 4 PM to do some character creation for an RPG Pat's running online. I pray I can make it to 4 PM. Make it to 4 PM and be somewhat coherent enough to process information, which is a tricky thing to somedays.

Lately, Jesse and I will be talking and halfway through conversation, I forget what we are talking about. I'll try to backtrack mentally, but half the time I STILL can't remember the main subject. So I'm sitting there, listening to Jesse, trying to pick out key words that will explain why we are talking about whatever, and wind up missing what Jesse says in that exact moment. That just doubles the confusion.

I've always had a wandering attention span during conversations, but I've NEVER before actually FORGOTTEN what the discussions are about. It's alarming to me. It's brain fog, mostly induced by lack of or broken sleep.

Wake up times shift back the 2-3 AM hours, daytime sleep is only half effective in catching up for lost sleep. Going BACK to sleep is difficult. All as it used to be, chasing me towards the same insomnia that drove me mad earlier this month and into the psych ward.

I don't get it - I slept SO WELL right out the hospital. As the weeks have gone on, I become less and less able to sleep properly.

"I really can't remember if I'm insane or an insomniac." - Icon For Hire

In my heart, bro. In my heart.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
**Why am I so tired? Why am I so tired ALL THE TIME?

You know why you're so tired. It's called lupus and you've been bitching about it for months. So don't act like you're all surprised and shit.

**I really want to take a nap. I can barely keep my eyes open.

Don't take a nap. That's being weak. You're stronger than this.

**It's not about being strong or weak. It's about listening to and respecting what your body is telling you.

But my body is all wrong, so isn't what it's telling me wrong, too?

**I don't know. I wish I could tell you, but I don't know.

You're never going to be the person you were.

**No one ever stays "the person they were". It's called change and everybody goes through it. So stop bitching about it like you're some special snowflake.

Am I worth all the misery?

**Yes, you are. Or conversely, you're not. Either way, you're still you. So get on with it.

God, I just really, really want to lay down.

**So go lay down. Just go lay down. You picked up the house, you took out trash, you scooped out litterboxes and even managed an excursion out for groceries and coffee. You've done good today. You deserve to lay down.

Okay. Okay, I'll go lay down. Thank you for saying I deserve to rest. Sometimes I forget that.

**I know. That's why I'm here, to tell you that you that it's okay to rest.

Buried

Feb. 9th, 2017 08:31 pm
quirkytizzy: (Default)
(Insert iZombie episode, in which the main character, Liv, has visions about the people whose brains she eats) Situation: SPOILER )

RAVI: You did hear what I said, right? The woman you are about to eat was an alcoholic. You'll end up -

LIV: Buried at the bottom of a bottle? Sold.

What happens when the only thing you have to bury yourself in is....yourself?

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