Jan. 29th, 2017

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There are days when I do not want to write. I'll take a day or two off, which usually replenishes the well. Sometimes it does not and I find myself wrestling with the words. Then the habit of writing will kick in like a secondary instinct and then to the page I must follow. Sometimes it feels like a leash, though whose dragging who along inevitably switches back and forth.

Right now, the need to write is the one wrenching the chain, even as I feel I have nothing TO write. The blank page is as annoying as it is intimidating. I can only write about having nothing to write about so often, and I've an ungodly number of entries over the years written about exactly that phenomenon.

Age. Aging is something I've been thinking about. Specifically, aging and the body and when it eventually catches up to us. When the bad habits of youth finally takes hold of our bodies and we, having half-believed ourselves to be immortal (as young people do), are suddenly confronted by our own lives.

I am 35. My friends, and my friend's friends, are also in their mid-30's. One by one, I either see or hear of someone in those circles becoming sick. Diabetes and other weight related issues are the majority of what's landing on these people. There are a few others who got sick like me, who just landed on bad genetics. But either way, it is astounding to me that all at once, a ton of us are facing severe bodily consequences.

What is it about the mid-30's that does that? Regardless of how one gets so sick, the leading theme to it all seems to be age. It's got me a little befuddled. I'd always thought of diabetes or cancer or other such things that happen to older people, like people in their 40's and 50's.

Maybe it's just a case of not wanting to admit that 35 isn't actually as young as I want to think it is, and that I actually AM the age that these things happen in. It wouldn't be the first time a person didn't want to admit that they are, indeed, old.

I remember being 17 years old and wondering what my 30's would bring. It seemed so far away. Anyone over 20 was considered older and anyone over 30 was simply considered old. Certainly I had no way of knowing that I would have lupus sprung on me, or that the various trappings of adulthood (such as divorce, finding and losing jobs, etc) would be so prominent.

But now being in my mid-30's, and seventeen years old seeming as equally far away now as 30 did then, I wonder...what is about the mid-30's that is making us all so sick at once?

I wonder what things will be like when I am 50. And I wonder if it will be the same as here, simply with different problems. I imagine it will be. Time is time and it does what it does.

For today, I guess that has to be enough.

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