Not broken

Jun. 11th, 2017 08:07 pm
quirkytizzy: (Default)
[personal profile] quirkytizzy
There is something here and I don't know how to write it. Upon further examination, this may be the part of the Wellbutrin I can't stand. Words do not come as easily. (At all?) It's a trade-off, it's always a trade-off, I know. We will see how this further effects my writing, because I can't NOT write.

Who would I be if I didn't write?

I also can't afford to spend weeks where I was, though - insane, unstable, without a handhold. We will see. Perhaps the dosage can be lowered. Perhaps it can't be. I traded some of my creativity when I decided to be on lifetime medication for my bi-polar nearly a decade ago.

I'm afraid of trading off more. I'm also afraid of what happens if I DON'T make that trade-off.

We will see.

I do know something, though. Something that stokes like the fires of old. I will never call myself broken. Cracked, yes. Broken?

No.

I am not the damsel in distress. I will not hole myself away in an ivory tower waiting for my white knight to take me far away from what hurts. I will not pretend to be alone. Your voices are too many for me to say I don't hear - there is no tower I could lock myself in that would or will take that away.

I am not in need of fixing. Who I am is just fine. It's what I DO that needs work. I, as a person, as a fundamental being who exists in this world, am not wrong. So long as I remain open to the suggestions of health and healing from those around me, who I am will continue to expand.

I will get bigger. I will not shrink away from the world like an overly delicate, wilting violet. I will reach further, higher, ever twisting towards the sun. And I will figure out how to continue reaching further. I am not broken. This world, all of the sharp and heavy things in it that can shatter people....

It will not break me.

It never has before. It will not do so now.
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