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[personal profile] quirkytizzy
I pull the blankets aside, resettle the cats onto the pillows and sheets they've conquered for the evening, and softly press my cheek to the pillow. A deep breath. Today has been a good day. Another deep breath. Jesse and I spent several hours listening to music we both enjoy, conversing, enjoying the company of our relationship. Another deep breath.

I can't sleep. Words are running about in my head. Not words in any coherent order, mind you. Just letters tumbling over each other, filling my closed eyes with images of black and white text, lines and dots tangling in each other. Not words that have a point, not words that have something to say. Just. Words.

I get up and take a Xanax. The rest of my meds will kick in soon. The Xanax will stop the words just short of my plunge into my nightly medicinal coma. I will be able to have the internal silence I need to rest.

The words and I, forever chained to each other at the wrist, yanking one or the other one way or the other. They seem a separate thing at times like these, another being that lives in my head, crowding me out. If I could just hear what they are saying, it would be easier. But no, it's always just letters twisting through neural pathways, shooting across a wide and unfollowable crossword puzzle.

I do not believe in writer's block, only days when the words and the will do not line up. This is an inevitable process of writing. One does not come upon it and burn the pages in frustration. Maybe your sanity, but not the words themselves. I hear others speak of writer's block being what stopped them from penning words onto pages and I do not understand.

But there is much I do not understand. It's okay that this is one of them.

Ah - there we are. The Xanax is doing its job. The words are quieting themselves. The rest will follow shortly. This is what we do when we cannot write. We write about writing. I was able to write long enough about not having enough to write about.

This has satisfied the gods long enough for me to earn my sleep.


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